It's hard to talk to yourself out loud. But sometimes I think it's a necessary evil of life. After all, if we didn't talk to ourselves, who would we talk to? Sometimes I feel like the walls are closing in. I wish I knew how to make this better, but unfortunately I do not. I feel like I've lost and gained so much over the last six months of my life that it is almost impossible to rectify, but in the end, am I supposed to rectify it? Sometimes, God has a bigger plan I suppose. Right now, his plan is very unknown to me and while I am not meeting it with resistance, I am definitely apprehensive about what I do not know.
At this rate, I can only imagine where my life is going to be in six months from now. I start school on January 17, which is only about a week away. It'll be an interesting semester and I'm even taking some interesting classes! It's funny to see how our lives change, our priorities grow, and what we lose in the process. I feel as though I'm coming up on a new frontier in my life and I am slightly afraid that I will be left not knowing who I am. I worked so hard to be where I am at and part of me feels that this positive change could really impact my life. However, positivity is definitely a relative term. Once the other shoe drops, will I really believe that it's a positive change? What job will I have? Where will I be in school? Will I still want to do all of the things I had planned for my life? Right now, it's just too hard to tell.
In Beachbody, I can definitely say that I'm starting to feel accomplished. However, that seems to be the only area where I feel that way. Change is a hard thing to swallow. Sometimes it makes you wonder where you're going to end up, who's going to be with you, and what you're going to do to get to the next place after that. I must admit I'm feeling kind of lonely. All of my RadioShack manager friends are obviously still at RadioShack, with the exception of a few, and we all know that at RadioShack, you don't get much time to spend with those you care about. Part of me feels like I should be happy about this. After all, I get plenty of time to do the things that I've been wanting to do for months that I could never do at RadioShack. I get to work out when I want to, sleep late, do lots of things for my friends and family, and get to spend plenty of time with my pets. But somehow, there isn't the same sense of purpose that there was before and definitely not the same amount of pride in my accomplishments. Beachbody definitely consumes most of my day because it is where I feel my life is the most meaningful, but I post so much that I think I'm annoying the crap out of all of my friends! LOL!
Feeling lost is not something that I am used to. I'm used to having plenty of control and direction in my life, and right now there seems to be very little. I have been finding lots of little things to take up my time, and take up my time it does. I do laundry, I do my Turbo Fire, I clean, I take care of pets, I help family and friends, and do lots of little miscellaneous things that I've been waiting to do for so long. But when I look back and think of all the things that it feels has changed, I don't even recognize my own life any more. It sounds funny to say, but this series of unfortunate events has actually made me happier than I have been in a long time. Boy, don't I feel guilty for saying that! How could I be happy? Unemployment got denied, I lost my job, my poor rabbit of 14 years is on his last leg, and my very best friend who is trying to support me is absolutely out of his mind with stress. Beachbody has quenched my need for achievement and for purpose, and I spend a lot of my time supporting people that I don't know but care so much about. The time just flies by and I wish that I could do this forever. Of course, I can do this forever, I just need to find something to pay the bills. I don't want us to drown in debt and poor Travis is doing everything he can to make sure that everything is taken care of. I think it puts a hamper on our relationship, our lifestyle, and most of all his happiness.
Most of all, I can definitely say that I am confused. How can you not know who you are or what is going to happen to your life and still be happy? Well, I guess I really do know the answer to that. It is about choosing to be happy. It is about choosing to live in the moment, find the beautiful things around you, and be thankful for the little things that are going your way. The truth of the matter is, life is hard. Struggles never get any easier, and obstacles are always going to be in your path. But if you don't stop along the trail to look at the flowers, it's going to pass you by and you'll never get that time back. Right now, I try and take life one day at a time and find all of the beautiful things that I can. Part of me feels like I'm constantly looking out for what's going to happen, what that thing is going to come next, or what's going to railroad my life plans. Right now, so many people are getting married, having babies, getting promoted at their jobs, and just in general finding their groove in life. There are lots of new houses, new last names, new careers, and new experiences that I just seem to be missing out on. Nevertheless, I am happy. I have a gorgeous car, simply amazing mentors, a loving family, a roof over my head, food in my mouth, bills being paid, and the greatest man I could ever ask for in my life. It is so weird to feel this way when I feel that I should be feeling as though I'm missing out. And for just as many babies and marriages, there are equally as many relationship problems, divorce, heartbreak, tragedy, hunger, death, and bad things just happening all over the place in general. Maybe it's okay to not have it all figured out of 25.
As Alice in Wonderland's taught us, you won't know which path to take unless you know where you want to go. While I was still at RadioShack, I used to tell God that all I wanted was time with my family, to become healthy, to take care myself, and to be able to enjoy my life. While the situation isn't obviously the most ideal, in a sense he gave me exactly that. So what am I going to do with it? I am going to build my business through Beachbody and touch the lives of so many that are just like me. I am going to find a job that supports me and not only enriches my life, but offers me financial security. I am going to keep working on my health, both bodily and mental through workouts and personal development at every opportunity. I am going to do everything I can to make my family, friends, and pets healthy, happy, and well taken care of. I am going to contribute to my community, continue to do stellar in school, and make the very most of every moment I have left in this life.
...must be the puppy chow...
