I am at work. Work. yes I said work.
Alone in the office... talking to my boss on the phone... enjoying the quiet... reflecting.
Its been an interesting week so far. Lots of stuff going on at work and at home... so much to do all the time and so little time to do it all.
I'm finally starting to get over being sick after two weeks of torture. Part of me is going stir crazy now that I have the energy to do things but by the time I get home to do the things that I need to do in my own life I'm too tired :P
I need to be hitting the gym... I will never meet some of my life goals without doing so but its just so hard to do that after being at work all day and having pets and people that need my attention... its all excuses. All of it. If I have time to watch even an hour of TV a night I have time to go to the gym (which is less than a block away might I add).. I just can't make myself go. Granted its hard to go and run when you are stuffed up with a headache but you know what they say... winners are winners because they do things that losers won't. :::SIGH:::
Did a little tanning today at an actual salon ... it was a splurge.... and it was amazing. It makes me remember how much I truly miss having the tanning salon... and motivates me to make a whole lot of money so I can have one again someday. At least for now I will have to settle for new bulbs for the one we have... gotta work on that :) ...
Had this little noodle steamer thing for lunch... the one that it says it comes with its own strainer deal. It was good... sauce coulda been a bit better... but good for coming out of the microwave.
...Found out that writers make a lot of money! I need to go into that business... my boss' writer made 125.00 off of us to write a bio on the company :O and usually he charges closer to 500.00 but my boss is a killer negotiator :)
... i can ride my bike with no handlebars... no handlebars... no handlebars...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Life's Natural Overflow*
I always feel like when I was little I was taught that it was better to watch out for other people and put their needs above your own. To do or have something for yourself, whether that be time or things or people, you were most certainly taking something from someone else and that was selfish. Contradictorally, I was also taught that the only person you can count on is you and its a dog eat dog world... if you don't step up and take what's yours... someone else will.
So from this I'm sure you can see that I am one huge walking contradiction.
Every area of my life is dictated by this fear of success that stems from worrying about the needs of others. If I succeed... someone must fail. If I am happy... someone has to be sad. If I win... someone must lose. But what kind of a life does that make for me? I always thought "better me to suffer than them... I'm strong, I will be just fine without it and it will make them so happy... taking it for myself would be a selfish thing to do". No matter what that "it" was and how much "it" might make my life better or make me happy... no matter how much I wanted or worked for or earned "it"... I'd gladly give it up to make someone else happy. This small character flaw turned into a motivator of everything I did... and even started translating in my own mind that if I did take what I wanted it was down right DISRESPECTFUL to someone else that wanted it. It started out with little things... like not taking the last soda so that my dad would be happy he could have it and as big as if I show how smart I am and get the good grades then someone else might be sad about how they did. Stupid as it sounds, it made me happy to see the happiness that was brought to the people I gave things up to. I think that giving is one of the most amazing things in the world that you can do from someone else. I still do.
But where the disfunctional thinking comes in is that deep down I have always believed for that for me, it wasn't truly giving unless I was sacrificing. I never used to negotiate or ask for anything. I never would step up and take what I had worked for. It always felt more right to give the things that I love to others. A cop out? I think so.
Why? Because I love to give to people and logically, I know that I can give to others and still have what I want... but emotionally... the fear of hurting others or making others jealous of any success I may have cripples me. Fear of success. My confidence level is also at a level that just isn't conducive to the life that I would like to have because I never think that I have the ability to make the right decision... especially about the big stuff.
Fear of Success + Having all the tools needed to succeed + Fear of Making the Wrong decisions - willingness to take the risk - willingness to hurt others = Stupidity
They say that you can only truly take care of and be loved by others by first giving the same to yourself. While it goes against my nature to believe this I'm very quickly finding that its true. You can still love and give to others and be a great person without having to suffer and in fact when you do this... everything you want just falls in line. Focusing on our own problems and our own wants is just naturally attractive... not only to other people but to our dreams and our desires. When you focus on you, you don't have to take from anyone... there's an abundance of the things you need that is drawn to you. And you are given that abundance so that you can fill your glass AND the glass of someone else.
The moral of my story? By focusing on your own life and the things you can control without doing so selfishly, the things you want will come to you ten fold so that not only can you have the things that you want but you can help others achieve the same.
...must be the puppy chow... ;)
So from this I'm sure you can see that I am one huge walking contradiction.
Every area of my life is dictated by this fear of success that stems from worrying about the needs of others. If I succeed... someone must fail. If I am happy... someone has to be sad. If I win... someone must lose. But what kind of a life does that make for me? I always thought "better me to suffer than them... I'm strong, I will be just fine without it and it will make them so happy... taking it for myself would be a selfish thing to do". No matter what that "it" was and how much "it" might make my life better or make me happy... no matter how much I wanted or worked for or earned "it"... I'd gladly give it up to make someone else happy. This small character flaw turned into a motivator of everything I did... and even started translating in my own mind that if I did take what I wanted it was down right DISRESPECTFUL to someone else that wanted it. It started out with little things... like not taking the last soda so that my dad would be happy he could have it and as big as if I show how smart I am and get the good grades then someone else might be sad about how they did. Stupid as it sounds, it made me happy to see the happiness that was brought to the people I gave things up to. I think that giving is one of the most amazing things in the world that you can do from someone else. I still do.
But where the disfunctional thinking comes in is that deep down I have always believed for that for me, it wasn't truly giving unless I was sacrificing. I never used to negotiate or ask for anything. I never would step up and take what I had worked for. It always felt more right to give the things that I love to others. A cop out? I think so.
Why? Because I love to give to people and logically, I know that I can give to others and still have what I want... but emotionally... the fear of hurting others or making others jealous of any success I may have cripples me. Fear of success. My confidence level is also at a level that just isn't conducive to the life that I would like to have because I never think that I have the ability to make the right decision... especially about the big stuff.
Fear of Success + Having all the tools needed to succeed + Fear of Making the Wrong decisions - willingness to take the risk - willingness to hurt others = Stupidity
They say that you can only truly take care of and be loved by others by first giving the same to yourself. While it goes against my nature to believe this I'm very quickly finding that its true. You can still love and give to others and be a great person without having to suffer and in fact when you do this... everything you want just falls in line. Focusing on our own problems and our own wants is just naturally attractive... not only to other people but to our dreams and our desires. When you focus on you, you don't have to take from anyone... there's an abundance of the things you need that is drawn to you. And you are given that abundance so that you can fill your glass AND the glass of someone else.
The moral of my story? By focusing on your own life and the things you can control without doing so selfishly, the things you want will come to you ten fold so that not only can you have the things that you want but you can help others achieve the same.
...must be the puppy chow... ;)
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