Sometimes you just need some lovin'.
I could use that today. Its been what they call "one of those days".
It started off as any other day does. Fed the bird, rabbits, ferrets, and fish. Went to the friend's house and let out their dogs. Took a bath. Shaved my legs. Decided its time for a brazillian. Got in the car. Looked out my window.
There was my favorite little kitty friend Joey, the neighbors cat. This cat comes to see me every morning before I go to work and always starts the day off fantastically. In front of Joey are a bunch of monsterous little brats. These particular monsters were probably 5 to 7 years of age... and trying to run my beloved little friend over with their bikes... in his own yard. He runs to the porch and the kids ride after him... or attempt to. When the little boy of the pair couldn't reach the porch where Joey was at on his bike, he hops of the bike, goes to his house and promptly comes out with a HUGE glass of water. And also as promptly... dumps it over Joey's head. I yelled out my window for them to stop that and get home right now and the monsters retreat to their torturous lair. Their mom had been watching the whole time.
I must say... if I would have had an extra ten minutes I would have gotten out of the car and given both the children and the mother something to think about. But for the time, Joey was safe and I had to get going. Poor kitty.
On the way down Ward Rd., I see a long line of traffic. Must be a train, I thought. Yep. It was a train. A train that kept me sitting in traffic for almost a full hour. Stuck in the right hand lane, there was no where for me to go. At least we had something in common... we were both just sitting there. So finally I get turned around and go all the way to Kipling and on to work.
Work was okay. The day seemed like it was going a bit slow but it wasn't all bad. And even better, I have tomorrow and the next day off. Yesssssss. And now I'm home, with only some minor additional irritations under my belt. I have so much to do... all the cages need to be clean, three laundry baskets full of clothes (yes just mine) need to be washed, and the bathroom is in desperate need of a scrub brush (which is what happens when you share a bathroom with two guys that don't clean :p ). Yet here I sit.
No matter how much I organize, eat, aquire, share, or clean I just still feel so empty. Lonely. Every day is the same, insert small irritations, little surprises, and nameless faces looking for a piece, part or cable. Looking in the mirror, seeing the same tired face, round body, and frumpy clothes. Each day feeling as if something is missing. Where do you begin to look for something that you can't name?
I miss touch. I miss kindness. I miss connection. Kisses. Spark. Excitement. Accomplishment. Enrichment. Enlightenment. Fulfillment. I miss being intelligent, funny, sexy, cool, fit, beautiful. I miss having energy, goals, confidence. Not worrying about who is better or worse, what I am or am not doing, what I should or should not be doing... who I am, if I'm good enough, how I measure up or fall short... I miss being carefree.
I miss living. I miss loving. I miss being loved. And because of all of these things I can't focus on anything but the proverbial child throwing the full glass of water over my head.
It's hard to see the forrest through the trees.
But despite all of this I am lucky. I am lucky for a smart man that is sexy and intelligent that thinks I'm neat, a family that cares, friends and coworkers that appreciate all the times I'm there to help and have new and creative insight. I'm lucky for my animals who think I get up each morning and let the sun out. I'm lucky for school... which is right around the bend.
I am thankful for all of these things. So what's the problem?
The search continues, but for now, the bottom of a good glass of ice cold pucker is about all the exploring I can handle. :::sigh:::
... must be the puppy chow...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Am I all AlOnE? O.o *
I am the only one of my kind. Sometimes this is a great thing... sometimes it's, well... lonely. I'm finding the older and older that I get that I just don't understand how the minds of others work. Well... at least the minds of my peers. More and more it seems that people have no morals, no standards, no beliefs... and if you do, you're the odd man out.
Your mom and dad tell you. Your teachers tell you. Your grandparents tell you. Be wise. Be kind. Be gracious and giving. Hold yourself to a certain conduct becoming of someone of your calibur. What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.
Lately, that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing. Standing alone.
I must admit... I am not always an easy pill to swallow. I can be over emotional, over analyzing, self righteous, stubborn, and brash. But ya know... even at my worst, my very worst, I'd still rather be me than some of those I know of at their very best.
Where have everyone's minds gone? More importantly... doesn't anyone have any standards anymore? Everything is excess, self indulgence, and what's good now is good mentality. Sleeping with anyone, screwing over anyone, justifying any action... any cause without a second thought to kindness, selflessness, compassion, or integrity.
Integrity. That's a word that I haven't used in a long time but one that I deeply and dearly love. Even less than I use it these days do I find someone that has it.
Integrity: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; The state of being unimpared, soundness; the quality or condition of being undivided or whole.
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone
No one admitting they are wrong. No kind words to strangers, or for that matter, to those you love. Earning money honestly. Taking care of your loved ones. Taking pride, vengence, and gluttony to the extreme. Selfishness, self entitlement, materialism.
I know what your thinking, "everyone has their vice and you're no different". I agree. I indulge in my emotions. I let them take me over and coherse my thoughts down a deep spiral of negativity that its hard to get out of. I get easily frustrated if my expectations have been violated. I expect people to let me down and am quick to jump on my high horse of righteousness when they do. I, as do most, have my flaws.
Flaws are not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about complete disreguard for any kind of standards, self reflection, or self restraint. I'm not religious... not even in the slightest. But if I was, I would definitely say it looks as though the devil has run amok among the 18 to 30 crowd. So many that I know drink mindlessly to excess, take outrageous amounts of mind altering substances at their leisure, sleep with anyone and everything they can with no reguard to those that may love them ... or for that matter, their own self respect in the morning. They spend money like its going out of style as if purses, shoes, and jewelry are somehow going to make up for all of the things they are lacking. They say mean things to eachother with no remorse and take any opportunity to gain the upper hand... to exact their revenge on those around them for even the smallest tresspass.
When did being smart, kind, RESPONSIBLE, generous, charitable, dedicated, loving, moral, ethical, gracious, classy, and interesting go out of style? When did surprises and laughs and jokes and presents and kind gestures stop being cool? When did being your own person, wearing your heart on your sleeve, "being beautiful on the inside", self improvement, spontinaitey, faithfulness loyalty, monogamy, and love become undesireable?
Here comes the harsh part... Jen's vice/character flaw/over thinking/bitchy/brash nature... exibit A in three... two... one...
Let me tell you something. I will fill you in on a few things that I have learned this far in my twenty three years on the planet. Listen closely, and take notes if this is your first time.
~ No matter how much you work out, how much you spend on clothes or shoes or jewelry.... no matter what cute sunglasses, bras, make up, hair color, or accessories you have or add, if you don't improve from the inside out you will still be butt ass ugly.No matter how many people you sleep with it will not fix the hole in your heart from a lack of love or lack of knowledge on how to give real true unconditional love to someone else or more importantly, to yourself. No matter how mean, tough, loud, or obnoxious you act, you will never be anything more than a scared little child if you don't deal with your past. And no matter who you are, if your spouse is going to cheat they are going to cheat... reguardless of any berating, harassing, guilting, cohersing, or tabs you keep on them. Drinking and acting like a slut then manipulating others into letting you drive home is not only not the way to "coolness", its a sure ticket to one of two places that are far less desireable... the morgue, or jail.
All good things in moderation. Love is not made to go hand and hand with obsession. A single glass is as good as a bottle. If you need a bottle, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sex should be magical, amazing, loving, kind, and spiritual. At the very least, it should be fulfilling and fun. It is none of those things, least of all fulfilling, if you can't even remember the person's last name, favorite color, age, don't know any of their previous partners, or if you cringe and hate admitting you did it the morning after. The world is full of abundance. You don't need to be selfish by taking your share, your neighbors share, their dog's share, and the share of the flee clinging to the dog's ass. If you are so oblivious that you think you're the only one your actions affect its time to buy a clue.
::sigh::
This is why I deal with animals.
...must be the puppy chow...
Your mom and dad tell you. Your teachers tell you. Your grandparents tell you. Be wise. Be kind. Be gracious and giving. Hold yourself to a certain conduct becoming of someone of your calibur. What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.
Lately, that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing. Standing alone.
I must admit... I am not always an easy pill to swallow. I can be over emotional, over analyzing, self righteous, stubborn, and brash. But ya know... even at my worst, my very worst, I'd still rather be me than some of those I know of at their very best.
Where have everyone's minds gone? More importantly... doesn't anyone have any standards anymore? Everything is excess, self indulgence, and what's good now is good mentality. Sleeping with anyone, screwing over anyone, justifying any action... any cause without a second thought to kindness, selflessness, compassion, or integrity.
Integrity. That's a word that I haven't used in a long time but one that I deeply and dearly love. Even less than I use it these days do I find someone that has it.
Integrity: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; The state of being unimpared, soundness; the quality or condition of being undivided or whole.
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone
No one admitting they are wrong. No kind words to strangers, or for that matter, to those you love. Earning money honestly. Taking care of your loved ones. Taking pride, vengence, and gluttony to the extreme. Selfishness, self entitlement, materialism.
I know what your thinking, "everyone has their vice and you're no different". I agree. I indulge in my emotions. I let them take me over and coherse my thoughts down a deep spiral of negativity that its hard to get out of. I get easily frustrated if my expectations have been violated. I expect people to let me down and am quick to jump on my high horse of righteousness when they do. I, as do most, have my flaws.
Flaws are not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about complete disreguard for any kind of standards, self reflection, or self restraint. I'm not religious... not even in the slightest. But if I was, I would definitely say it looks as though the devil has run amok among the 18 to 30 crowd. So many that I know drink mindlessly to excess, take outrageous amounts of mind altering substances at their leisure, sleep with anyone and everything they can with no reguard to those that may love them ... or for that matter, their own self respect in the morning. They spend money like its going out of style as if purses, shoes, and jewelry are somehow going to make up for all of the things they are lacking. They say mean things to eachother with no remorse and take any opportunity to gain the upper hand... to exact their revenge on those around them for even the smallest tresspass.
When did being smart, kind, RESPONSIBLE, generous, charitable, dedicated, loving, moral, ethical, gracious, classy, and interesting go out of style? When did surprises and laughs and jokes and presents and kind gestures stop being cool? When did being your own person, wearing your heart on your sleeve, "being beautiful on the inside", self improvement, spontinaitey, faithfulness loyalty, monogamy, and love become undesireable?
Here comes the harsh part... Jen's vice/character flaw/over thinking/bitchy/brash nature... exibit A in three... two... one...
Let me tell you something. I will fill you in on a few things that I have learned this far in my twenty three years on the planet. Listen closely, and take notes if this is your first time.
~ No matter how much you work out, how much you spend on clothes or shoes or jewelry.... no matter what cute sunglasses, bras, make up, hair color, or accessories you have or add, if you don't improve from the inside out you will still be butt ass ugly.No matter how many people you sleep with it will not fix the hole in your heart from a lack of love or lack of knowledge on how to give real true unconditional love to someone else or more importantly, to yourself. No matter how mean, tough, loud, or obnoxious you act, you will never be anything more than a scared little child if you don't deal with your past. And no matter who you are, if your spouse is going to cheat they are going to cheat... reguardless of any berating, harassing, guilting, cohersing, or tabs you keep on them. Drinking and acting like a slut then manipulating others into letting you drive home is not only not the way to "coolness", its a sure ticket to one of two places that are far less desireable... the morgue, or jail.
All good things in moderation. Love is not made to go hand and hand with obsession. A single glass is as good as a bottle. If you need a bottle, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sex should be magical, amazing, loving, kind, and spiritual. At the very least, it should be fulfilling and fun. It is none of those things, least of all fulfilling, if you can't even remember the person's last name, favorite color, age, don't know any of their previous partners, or if you cringe and hate admitting you did it the morning after. The world is full of abundance. You don't need to be selfish by taking your share, your neighbors share, their dog's share, and the share of the flee clinging to the dog's ass. If you are so oblivious that you think you're the only one your actions affect its time to buy a clue.
::sigh::
This is why I deal with animals.
...must be the puppy chow...
Monday, August 2, 2010
ImProVemeNt = HARD work*
Gooooooood morning ladies and gentlemen!
Thank GOD I don't have to be into work until one o'clock.... I definitely need some down time. Most girls will understand this but I have the whole morning after puffy eyes goin' on from all the crying I did but at least it was a worthwhile cry. My poor S.O. doesn't know what to do with his poor self when I have one of my girl meltdowns but he definitely tries.
Sometimes stress gets the best of us. Between work and home and pressure we put on ourselves, it's just too much. Then it only takes a little touch in the wrong emotional sunburn to set off the waterworks. (Side note, watching Turner and Hooch while I write this... and everytime I do it makes me want a french mastiff lol).
Improvements, especially ones of the deep seeded self kind, take a lot of work, will power, and time. I know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not supposed to be doing it. But how do I stop myself? Maybe it comes down to a lack of self control, self discipline, or just simply not knowing what to do differently. Or maybe it's a comfort thing. Even though I know what I need to do and know how to do it, it feels strange, uncomfortable, and overwhelming to do what I should but not what I'm used to. (Hooch is now running through the fish... LMAO.. ahem, sorry :) ).
Hopefully the tears from last night's cry will be the water to nourish the seeds of change.
First part of changing is knowing what needs to be changed and making a very detailed map of how to get from A to B.
Okay. I can do that.
~ Point A: Where I'm at. Hmm. In this case, where I'm at is a stressed out place of self sabatoge. Not being able to control my emotions when I need to most. Unusually low self esteem... probably from the weight gain and lack of ability to control my surroundings and the resulting extra stress that comes from both. Check.
~ The Map: What I need to do. I need to be accountable for my emotions. I need to work on positive stress management techniques and try something new. Maybe new kinds of workouts. Two birds with one stone. Yesssss. :) Bikram yoga? Sweat it out and stretch it out while working on self discipline. Excellent. Boxing? Confidence AND self discipline while working out stress with vigorous physical excercise. Nice. Working on seeing the positive in other people instead about being insecure about their presence. Boosting my self through activities that I enjoy to build up my confidence so those that I'm insecure about or disapprove of don't consume my thoughts. I rock. :)
~ Point B: The end result. More confidence and self assurance that isn't effected by external factors like the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Less stress, better coping skills when stress arises. Weight loss. Being able to state my position or problems and work on a solution for them while staying calm and composed and not taking everything so personally. Having the skills and self awareness to maintain my cool in any situation and use my intelligence and analytical skills to make the best of a situation and think about things without being consumed by them. Forgiveness. And my favorite phrase that always helps? Like water on a duck... things just roll off. :)
"So now that you've seen "the plan"... I'm gonna go... and show the plan, to someone else." (lol gotta love 10 Things I Hate About You... can always count on that movie for a good quote ;) ).
... must be the puppy chow...
Thank GOD I don't have to be into work until one o'clock.... I definitely need some down time. Most girls will understand this but I have the whole morning after puffy eyes goin' on from all the crying I did but at least it was a worthwhile cry. My poor S.O. doesn't know what to do with his poor self when I have one of my girl meltdowns but he definitely tries.
Sometimes stress gets the best of us. Between work and home and pressure we put on ourselves, it's just too much. Then it only takes a little touch in the wrong emotional sunburn to set off the waterworks. (Side note, watching Turner and Hooch while I write this... and everytime I do it makes me want a french mastiff lol).
Improvements, especially ones of the deep seeded self kind, take a lot of work, will power, and time. I know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not supposed to be doing it. But how do I stop myself? Maybe it comes down to a lack of self control, self discipline, or just simply not knowing what to do differently. Or maybe it's a comfort thing. Even though I know what I need to do and know how to do it, it feels strange, uncomfortable, and overwhelming to do what I should but not what I'm used to. (Hooch is now running through the fish... LMAO.. ahem, sorry :) ).
Hopefully the tears from last night's cry will be the water to nourish the seeds of change.
First part of changing is knowing what needs to be changed and making a very detailed map of how to get from A to B.
Okay. I can do that.
~ Point A: Where I'm at. Hmm. In this case, where I'm at is a stressed out place of self sabatoge. Not being able to control my emotions when I need to most. Unusually low self esteem... probably from the weight gain and lack of ability to control my surroundings and the resulting extra stress that comes from both. Check.
~ The Map: What I need to do. I need to be accountable for my emotions. I need to work on positive stress management techniques and try something new. Maybe new kinds of workouts. Two birds with one stone. Yesssss. :) Bikram yoga? Sweat it out and stretch it out while working on self discipline. Excellent. Boxing? Confidence AND self discipline while working out stress with vigorous physical excercise. Nice. Working on seeing the positive in other people instead about being insecure about their presence. Boosting my self through activities that I enjoy to build up my confidence so those that I'm insecure about or disapprove of don't consume my thoughts. I rock. :)
~ Point B: The end result. More confidence and self assurance that isn't effected by external factors like the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Less stress, better coping skills when stress arises. Weight loss. Being able to state my position or problems and work on a solution for them while staying calm and composed and not taking everything so personally. Having the skills and self awareness to maintain my cool in any situation and use my intelligence and analytical skills to make the best of a situation and think about things without being consumed by them. Forgiveness. And my favorite phrase that always helps? Like water on a duck... things just roll off. :)
"So now that you've seen "the plan"... I'm gonna go... and show the plan, to someone else." (lol gotta love 10 Things I Hate About You... can always count on that movie for a good quote ;) ).
... must be the puppy chow...
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