Let Freedom ring*

Let Freedom ring*

Current mood:inspired

What is it that makes us want? Furthermore, what is it that makes us want the things that we want? The people, the pets, the life, the body, the stuff... what is it that determines within us that those are the things we want... the things we need... to be happy. And if we don't have those things, what are we worth? What determines that worth?

What determines our feelings? Are feelings simply side effects? The ego... the mind... manipulating the spirit into *feeling* a certain way to keep control of us... keep feeding itself so it can stay alive... keep us forever in yesterday, tomorrow, and inside... always looking for something that tomorrow will bring or that yesterday dished out... never realizing that now is all there is?

What determines what is wrong... what is right? And more importantly, what determines if something is wrong or something is right for us? And if now is all we have, how can anything truly be determined at all?

              Here it goes...

When you can no longer feel the life that you are, the more likely you are to try and fill up your life with things. ~Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, Ch. 2

It makes perfect sense. I have seen this in my life and the lives of many whom I love. We feel the grind of daily life... the stress, the bordom, the monotomy... and we start to lose that spark.. that stillness. Think of how we were when we were kids. Our minds were alive, imaginative, and vibrant. It was so easy to have fun and not have a care in the world. If we fought, we'd be friends again tomorrow. And all we needed was our imagination to create a world and a life we loved and appreciated. Fast forward. In the adult world, if you are happy and excited and creative you are eccentric, wacky, and strange. Unhappiness and stress is what we are told to expect out of adult life... with all the bills and the pressure. We lose that spark... that connection with our spirit that ties us to all that is. We are constantly in our heads, thinking about what we have to do tomorrow, what we were supposed to get done yesterday, what was missed, what was skipped, and oh how that something we desire will happen "one day". But what about now? Now is truly all we have in more ways than can be explained. As an adult, we have been conditioned in so many ways to want certain things... we want what we think we are supposed to want. If we aren't doing something that is generally recognized as something that successful people do... we are a failure. We are supposed to be doctors or lawyers with big beautiful houses that are sparkling clean at all times with 2.5 kids that have 4.0 GPA's and a dog that knows his commands in 4 languages and fetches the paper every morning right on time for coffee. We are supposed to be the perfect wife, with the perfect body, the perfect hair, that has dinner on the table nice and hot when her husband gets home... kids already home from dance and soccer with homework done so everyone can sit down to dinner together and talk about the test they aced, the promotion they got, and go to bed in their perfect little world.

Perceiving like this, its easy to feel like you're failing when you don't know what to do with your life and don't have any of the things you are 'supposed' to have.

So we buy. We want. We hang our dreams upon black holes instead of stars. We become an entity of endless suffering, depression, envy, jealousy, self loathing, fear, and anger. We limit ourselves... thinking we're better than or not as good as... and always need to boost ourselves with things that are external because we have lost that connection... that silver string that attaches us to everything that is vibrantly alive. We become obsessed with one vice or another and when it no longer fills us up, we move on to something else to fill us up again... never being satisfied, always searching, always looking for that thing that is going to make us feel alive. Now this is not to say its impossible to enjoy things... but its not truly enjoying them if you aren't connected... if you are using them to fill you up instead of accenting the life that is around you.

Some people use sex... always wanting new and different and exciting.. all the while feeling empty inside as everything falls away... their partner whom they've ailenated, their money, their time, and in some cases, their health and their life. Some use drugs... always needing a stronger and stronger high, a bigger and bigger trip to help them disolve the pain they feel... the empty pit within them. Shopping... if they just had that purse, or car, or house, or pet, or pair of shoes. The quest to be bigger, stronger, faster, more successful, more intelligent, more beautiful, with more money, more stuff, more friends... the quest that is like shoveling your life and resources into a black hole that will keep you shoveling until your life is over.

Its not the shoes, the house, the cars, the excitement, that will make your life better...

Its getting in touch with that which is inside you... the stillness, the quiet, the peace, that is your life force. Your connection with creation... your connection with yourself... your connection with other people and nature and god (which ever yours may be) is the way to fill yourself back up. If you don't seek to fill up the hole in your soul, life will always be an empty stressful quest for excess... like bandaging your arm when you have a broken leg... you're seeking where there is nothing to find.

Consider this: you are a prisoner sentanced to fill up an endless field of holes but will be set free when you finish. There are an infinite amount of holes in this field that will take you till the day you die to try and fill. The judge tells you that there is one hole that when filled, will fill all the holes and you will be set free and points out the hole. Would you go to that hole first and fill it so that you could gain your freedom, or would you continue to try to fill all the holes on your own... dirty and miserable, all the while wasting your time, your life, and sacrificing your relationships with the outside world?

Now ask yourself... are you filling the hole that will fill all of the others, or are you trying to fill the holes that will never give you your freedom?

...I'm going to try to fill just the one...

... let freedom ring...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

fall for you* ~ secondhand serenade

fall for you* ~ secondhand serenade

Current mood:touched

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting/ Could it be that we have been down this way before/ I know you don't think that I am trying/ I know you're wearing thin down to the core // But hold your breath/ Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you / Over again don't make me change my mind/ Or I won't live to see another day/ I swear its true/ Because a girl like you is impossible to find/ You're impossible to find// This is not what I intended /I always swore to you I'd never fall apart/ You always thought that I was stronger /I may have failed But I have loved you from the start// But hold your breath/ Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you / Over again don't make me change my mind/ Or I won't live to see another day / I swear its true/ Because a girl like you is impossible to find/ Its impossible// So breathe in so deep/ Breathe me in/ I'm yours to keep/ And hold on to your words cuz talk is cheap/ And remember me tonight when you're asleep// Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you / Over again don't make me change my mind/ Or I won't live to see another day / I swear its true/ Because a girl like you is impossible to find/ Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you / Over again don't make me change my mind/ Or I won't live to see another day / I swear its true/ Because a girl like you is impossible to find// You're impossible to find/.r{}

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

pain... without love, pain... cant get enough*

pain... without love, pain... cant get enough*

Current mood:crushed

Its been a long time since I've felt the pain of a broken heart. I don't think there's anything like it in the world. I can definitely say that I'd rather have my ass beat than my heart broken. You cry till your eyes can't even make anymore tears ... And then you cry some more. Plans are cancelled, hopes are dashed, and all you thought you knew about yourself and your future now becomes the unknown. Its amazing how one person can make your whole world and have the power to make it all come crashing down. They can make you feel like you are the only one in the world or like you've fallen off the face of the planet. I've always thought that I was a confident, strong girl who could stand on her own two feet and make her own dreams come true with no help just good morals, hard work, and kindness. And yet, it all seems pointless, unattainable, and unwanted. What good is my world without you to share it with me? We were going to have a little dirt bike for our kids. We were going to have a beautiful house with soft leather couches to cuddle on. We were going to be great. But now what? Where do I go, what do I do, what do I work for and hope for and dream for without you? Life doesn't make sense to us sometimes. Often its pretty painful when we don't understand why things are happening and we constantly try to rationalize, deny, or torture ourselves until its hard to even breathe. I suppose all we can do is hope for better days and that this too shall pass. But life was always better with you by my side. Sometimes its not for us to decide, or choose, or know. Just to learn to know something new. Miss you *

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

electric guitars...fairy tale endings*

electric guitars...fairy tale endings*

Current mood:complacent

                   "some of the greater things in life are best unseen... thats why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream..."

Where is the place where dreams are born? A place of beautiful light... surrounded by all that is good, all that is just, completely untainted by the harsh situations we all face?

No... dreams are born in the cobwebs... the dusty, often overlooked, part of our journey through life. They are born in the darkness, the times of sorrow, the times of melancholy reflections. They are what move us... the twinkle... the hope... the light that lights the way to a better time.

Why do we let go of our dreams? Is it the pressure to be grown up? To do the right thing? Or do we let go of what we want in the face of stark adversity... giving up because it was the easy thing to do. After all... who really lives their dreams anyway?

         "... dreams are a wish our heart makes..."

Learn to play the electric guitar * find someone that loves me for who I am * Become a police officer * Become a vet * Buy a bulldog * Be happy in my own skin * Be a world class ice skater * Learn to ride a skateboard * Play hockey in the olympics * Be a mom * Be close with my own mom * Be best friends forever * Stay close with those friends of old * See my KJ grow up * Be a wife * Have awesome inlaws * Find prince charming * Inspire others * Volunteer * Learn to cook * Learn to speak at least 5 languages * See Austrailia * Afford a pair of Christian Louboutin's * Stay grounded * Be beautiful * Be the best * Keep learning * Earn a Ph.D. * Be a bike mechanic * Have lots of bikes * Always have pickles and cheese on hand * Have a house of my own * Have a celica * Make a difference * Have a group of friends that last a life time * Have my best friend by my side when I get married * Get married * Be a Broncos Cheerleader * Have a dance studio * Have a tanning salon * See my friends succeed * Feel needed * Get a bird * Own more than one sportbike, and be good at riding all of them * See a Vegas show * Own a lime green lambo * Have season tickets to Texas Longhorns Football * Have the money to take care of my parents * Be gracious * Build a shelter * Have a non profit * Take care of my friends * Make people laugh * Get a mustang * Be good at my job * Love my career * Be comfortable * Be loved * Be important * Raise my children to be stellar people * Have children * Have no fear * Grow old with my best friend * Have my mom and dad for the rest of my days * Be close with my brother * Love all unconditionally * Be accepting * Play lots of sports * Have a garden * Have a basketball hoop * Work hard * Be in love * Celebrate 50 years of marriage... and counting * Achieve my dreams * Never stop dreaming....

In my short 21 years on this earth I have achieved many of my dreams. Many I have not. The question is... when do you stop taking the path you are on and try a different route to make your dreams come true? When do you decide that the battle is lost, but the war is far from over and turn back in hopes of collecting a new game plan and moving forward with new strategy? In war there are many casualties. Some will be won, some will be lost, but few will be around forever. While I'm a big believer in controlling your own destiny, I'm also a believer in the old adage *things happen for a reason*. Some people are in your life for a specific reason. Once their purpose has been fulfilled the go on their journey. Others are in our lives for a period of time to teach us and help us grow. And while we don't always understand, don't always get an explanation, and often hurt long after theyre gone, when its their time to go, they too move along a different path.

Then there are those that are there for a lifetime. They help us achieve our dreams. They lift us up when we are face down in the mud... ready to give up. They are apart of the dreams they help us realize.... that prince charming, that best friend, that person we may have yet to meet...

   "... a dream becomes a goal with steps are taken       toward its achievement..."

Unfortunately... it is not for us to decide who is ours, who helps us through, who makes the whole journey... and who drops out of the race. But isnt that what life is about? Faith. Faith that the universe will not steer us in the wrong direction. Faith that there is abundance where ever we go and that there is more that enough love, affection, kindness, knowledge, happiness, and friendship as long as we have the courage to step up and grab it?

               "courage is feeling the fear....

                               and doing it anyway..."

If you were standing in a dark closet, would you be surprised to know that your dream was right in front of your nose... all you have to do is turn on the light?

  There is power in love.

            There is power in kindness.

                       There is power in knowledge...

        understanding...

                       there is power in your dreams....

but you have to turn on the light....*

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

Current mood:frustrated

ya know, there are times when you just feel... ick. Like a smothering, frustrating, gut wrenching just wanna cry for no reason yuck.

Today is a great day for ick.

Haven't had a shower. Don't even care. Been looking for new job stuff all day. Nothing good. Dog being clingy like crazy. Frustrating. Money going out, none coming in... the worst.

I'm not completely sure why but the last few days I've started reverting back into my little hole. Probably because there are a whole bunch of things that I don't want to hear anymore, don't want to deal with anymore, and plain just want to forget. Life is so rewarding and yet, completely an exercise in futility most of the time.

Where has my positive outlook gone? I'm not sure but the past two or three days I've looked and looked and looked and can't find it anywhere. Hopefully it will come back soon because I've been doing so good... and its sorely missed.

I guess I'm going through one of those quarter life crisis moments where you look at where you are and wonder how you got here. You had so many great plans for yourself. Great goals. What happened?!

Life happened.

Life rarely goes as planned I've noticed. I've also noticed that I'm so jealous of those that seem to have it so easy. It feels like I'm alone in the world fighting it out sometimes... and I hate it. There is nothing worse than feeling like you weren't prepared for this... like you wish you could go back in time and do a better job. I was out on my own early... and I guess I should be proud that I've made it this long. A lot of people my age either still live with their parents or have to lean on their boyfriend or girlfriend to survive otherwise right back to mom and dads. I've done it. I'm out on my own, relying on myself to get by. I will admit that I have had a little help from someone that knows much more than I about surviving in the financial world... and i'm doing a lot better in my own money river because of it. HOWEVER, the money river has always run pretty shallow... and now it feels as though its starting to dry up without hope for a winter melt to replenish it.

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of wearing ratty jeans, eating cheap processed HORRIBLY bad for me food, and never being able to go get a new purse or perfume without feeling sick to my stomach with guilt. Because its bill money. Everything is bill money. Money that isn't even my money yet is bill money. I definitely wish I knew at 18 what I now know at 21.... I think I would be in a lot better place monitarily, never would have gotten myself in such a hole.

I'm in need of a life makeover.

Its not that i'm not happy with my life necessarily, but i feel like i've made some pretty not so great mistakes. I feel this overwhelming need to sell off or throw away everything I own... including my poor pets who don't get near the attention they used to or should. So much needs to be done... and it seems like this is the best time to get things where they need to be... I have more than enough time on my hands at the moment (unfortunately ). Nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Especially the things I want.

Hard work definitely is something I'm good at. And I think that my life is in need of a lot of it. I'm antsy, I'm irritable, and I think its because things aren't going how I want them to.. or how I think they should based on how much I've done.

Nothing comes fast enough these days. My once runneth over cup of patience is almost bone dry. Not my honey, not the weight loss, not the tan or the job or the money. Not the house, not the car, not the end result.

Life is about the journey. Life is about possibilities.

.:*Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming*:.

Although through all this bitching... there is a silver lining....

My Red Wings are about to win the Stanley Cup 

~... must be the puppy chow... ~

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

untitled*

untitled*

I couldn't think of a fun title tonight which is very rare for me. I guess you could say that I'm in more of a reflective mood than a creative one. What does it mean to be strong? What does it mean to be sexy and confident ... And what happens when you lose that appeal? I can honestly say that there are a lot of different views on what is attractive but a lot of it comes from our instincts. You see, nature is a matter of survival of the fittest. Its hard wired into our brains so much so that it affects a lot of things that we don't even know it has an effect on. Attraction is no exception. Let's think about it... The strong, the healthy... Mentally, physically, and emotionally are the ones that are often what our basic instincts desire. The smart, the agile survive. Sure the criteria get more detailed and advanced when you're looking at the details of attraction. But the overall picture remains that our hard wiring tells us to seek the most healthy, the most strong, the most intelligent because that is what furthers the species. But what happens when you are among the flawed... The sick, the weak mentally, emotionally or physically? Either you adapt or you die so to speak. And I think that is part of what can kill an attraction over time. We start to see the flaws, the imperfections, and the weaknesses. Some of us run, allowing ourselves to run away because the one we chose isn't perfect, isn't what we pictured, isn't what we think we deserve. We delve into shallowness, thinking that to survive we must have the best of the best. Then there are others, who chose the weak, hoping we can strengthen them, change them into something elite, save them. Lastly there are the very few of us who are able to push past, mature, and see that there is no perfect person with no flaws... It doesn't exist. But we can see that there is the healthy, the intelligent, the strong, in every person. My point here is that being mature, being wise means to accept changes, accept that no one is perfect, and attach what your meaning of attraction is to the beauty of the mind, the beauty of the soul, and the beauty of ones uniqueness. Individuality is a great gift, instead of looking for what you think you should be look for the inspiring, the driven, the amazingly magnificent. You won't believe what you're missing... And will regret what you let go in the interest of the meaningless... The shallow... The petty. You will never find unconditionally love and companionship until you have opened your heart, let go of what you think you know... The misconceptions of the perfect mate you once held on to and give of yourself to experiences that will expose you to the greater picture... To the meaning of what it means to be human.*

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*