yellow roses and mango...*

yellow roses and mango...*

Current mood:contemplative

::sigh::

wow i'm a little tired... a little wired... and just a little... jaded.

i hope all of you are having a great day today  I thought that i would post because i'm having another one of those moments where i feel the need to dump my guts all over the internet 

I looked at an apartment today... it was awesome. I was most definitely excited. I know that at this point... logically i shouldn't... however i really really want to. I would have close to no furniture and would have to live off of top ramen for the next 100 years to make sure i'm steady but it would be a place of my own to call home. I'm going to have to wait until the end of january just because my dad has raised a very guilty conscious yet very monitarily aware daughter... meaning unfortunately i have to do the responsible thing and wait.

This topic... along with many others inside of my head... have literally made me nuts lately. I feel the emotions starting to turn off (as they always do) when i get stressed about this kind of thing. The future is a crazy thing to think about. We all want things to work out to be that perfect life we have always dreamed of having... the perfect job with the perfect pay for the perfect house with the perfect family...

its so hard to attain.

Its funny to look around and realize that there is always a chance that somewhere along the line you are going to make the wrong decision... take the wrong road... and then wake up twenty years later to realize that nothing is the way you wanted it to turn out and now you are stuck with no way to go back and make things better. Its like one of my favorite movies... American Beauty... that is the kind of thing i mean. I don't want to make the wrong decision... take the wrong road and realize its not what i wanted with no way to fix it. No one ever aspires to get laid off or be homeless or any of the million things that are less than perfect that happen every day.

Do the best you can they say.

Well... the best I can... sometimes i worry it won't be good enough. Shoot for the moon that way if you miss you will be sure to land among stars.

Fuck that. If  I shoot for the moon I want the goddamn moon.

Funny isn't it? Life never is what it seems...

... where's the fairytale ending? wheres the amazing wonder and beauty and perfect plan that is suppost to exsist for us?

All you have is you... only you can make it happen... never settle and never look back... you only get one shot to do it right.*

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

the difference between a boy and a man...*

the difference between a boy and a man...*

Current mood:hopeful

boys. we come across them a lot.

they are the ones drunkenly slobbering on you at sporting events, rubbing up against you at clubs with their only criteria being that you have breasts, crudely cat calling you as you walk down the street (no matter who you are with), and generally annoying the hell out of you and 10 of your closest friends. They are the ones that complain about how long it takes you to get ready yet who spend a good hour longer than you in the bathroom... the ones that have no depth and only seem to care about when they can get their hands on another beer. They can't hold an intellectual conversation to save their life and usually change girls more than they change underwear.

real men are different. those are a little harder to find.

real men are the ones that always seem to make you smile. They are typically found in the same old ratty ball cap they have worn for years just because its their favorite. They are the ones who are in line ahead of you at starbucks and pay for your drink without taking any credit for it or asking anything in return. They are the ones that kindly listen (or at least lovingly pretend to listen) about your horrible day... even while the game is on. They are the ones who think that you're beautiful in sweats, take care of you when you're sick, kiss you with morning breath, and realize you have a heart and a mind behind all that preening. Real men accept people for who they are, love unconditionally, and support growth in those around them.

You can always tell the real men from the boys when you look close enough. They don't care about whats new and exciting and are much more enthused by what they have always loved... teams from when they were little ( no matter how bad they suck ), good food and friends and know that its the little things in life that make life worth living. Boys could care less about where they are going in life, know nothing of their long term goals, and live only in the moment with no care for the future. Real men appreciate the moment but want to strive to be better... to be smart and healthy and be the best possible person that they can be.

So to the girls that say  "where are all the real men!?" Look a little harder.... they are all around... you just have to know what to look for ;)

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

The Storm*

The Storm*

Current mood:thoughtful

The rain beats down like sheets of glass

thunder over head,

coming out of the thickest fog

like rising from the dead.

The strength within immeasureable

adrenaline runs deep,

a mountain of mud you thought you'd never climb

now isn't quite so steep.

The battle scars of long ago

now worn with silent pride,

remind you of your living strength

that's burning deep inside.

Spirit of a warrior

blood streaked body torn,

for each new enemy rising up

is a hero to be born.

Lightening illuminating terror inside

from the things we would never face,

there comes a sense of knowing

that no horror could replace.

It takes a strength not known to all

to make it throught the storm,

some will never know what its like

to be battered... to be torn.

But those who have lived through it all

know the value that it holds,

to keep your spirit bright inside

and make it through the storm.

Every person has a choice

to fight or just give in...

without a little fight for life

what was great would not have been.

So have faith in your ability

to make it past the fear,

embrace the knowledge that you have

to make your journey clear.

Hold fast to your sword of dreams and hopes

to chase away the pain,

of the thunder clashing over head

and beating of the rain.

For once you make it through the storm

you will be so new

grown and wise with courage beyond

in every thing you do.

So fight the good fight and do all you can,

take the risk of being torn,

because until you do you'll never know

the value of the storm.*

psh.. what a bunch of bullshit*

psh.. what a bunch of bullshit*

Current mood:cranky

So i absolutely hate feeling like i have no control in a situation that has an awful lot to do with me!!! isn't that irritating?! i think it is.

And i love the snow... lots of fun... unless you have to drive from 92nd and wads to 52nd and wads to 88th and garrisonish to 20th and wads to 112th and Huron to pomona high school to quay to finally home back on 88th. FUCKING LAME!!! not to mention all the time i spent at each location... haven't been home all fucking day! GRRRR. Lots on my mind about worthless shit... tired, headache, hungry and now leaving again to go to the grocery store. WooT wOOt for me  i'm sure you'll hear more whining from me later but for now i'm out....

... sherbert pervert and the adventures of the dumb fucking snow people...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

a rollercoaster in the dark*

a rollercoaster in the dark*

Current mood:worried

it catches in your throat.

you feel like you can't breathe.

your eyes burn and you feel like your heart is going to explode if you move even an inch.

you are determined no one will see the tears...you are too tough for that...

but to fall so hard ... so fast... without a safety net....

to let go completely of all fear and know that you would give yourself completey...

only to be questioned... only to be untrusted...

its like a rollercoaster in the dark...

you can't see the tracks ahead

and you wonder when you're going to run out of road....

always wondering if the next step is going to be your last.

you realize you have done to others as now is being done to you

you feel the pain that it is to care.

Too much... not enough.... too fast... too slow...

...fear of the unknown lurking in the dark makes the right choices

unperceivable and the perception of the monster under the bed

become as real as the sweat running down your face.

Hindsight is twenty twenty...

ups and downs are unpredictable until you've already climbed the hill..

... all you can do is trust in yourself

and know that your heart would not deceive you.

Trust that the next hill isn't going to be the downward fall

where you run out of track to fall into a dark oblivion...

trust that you are not the only one riding in the dark...

... in movement there is life... fear makes movement complicated... be your own compass....

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

a general term with such a detailed meaning... *

a general term with such a detailed meaning... *

Current mood:thoughtful

Love.

Its a strange word isn't it? I mean it can mean so many things and be expressed into so many different ways that how can we possibly fit all of that stuff into one catagory such as this? And what makes love last? Some people say that it takes a lot of communication and trust... others say its all about respect. I heard a really good point of view on the situation once that I have never forgotten. A woman married 75 years was asked how they made it through so long. She said that it was simple... they never fell out of love at the same time. Sometimes one person puts in more effort.. sometimes the other does.... but as long as at least someone pushes through the tough times and never gives up.. you are sure to make it. I think its so amazing and so completely rare to find real true love... someone that would never say anything to hurt you or do anything to disrespect you... someone that can love you for you and all of who you are, even if they don't agree with some of the things that make you that way. Someone that can love your body and your mind... with the bumps bruises scars and flaws both physically and emotionally. No one is perfect. But sometimes... once in a great while we have the chance to be something more.... to contribute to the happiness in another person's life... to give ourselves and our knowledge to another in order to enrich their life as well as our own. Great love... great relationships form out of an unspoken law... the same law that creates sparks and fire when two objects are forced together with just the right speed and just the right amout of pressure. But they have to be right. You cant bang a stick against a leaf and expect to get fire. But you have to know what you are made of. You have to know what you want, what you need, and who you are to be able to give someone else the very best and find that second piece to make your flame. You have to be comfortable with the things you cannot change and you have to find someone that is compatible with those things.

Be who you are. Be open, be honest.... because you can only be yourself... everyone else is taken. To be loved for who you are not or try to change and mold yourself into a rock when you're really a stick is going against who you are and will ultimately be the demise of a relationship. So be honest from the beginning. Never do something in the start of a relationship that you don't intend to do forever. Your partner will feel deceived and you will wonder what happened when it doesn't work out. So many times we question why something fell apart when the answer is right in front of us... even when we choose not to see it. Life is too short to waste your time with the wrong person or without the right person simply because its easier to go with the grain. Who cares about what others say... advice is simply advice... you always have the ultimate decision. If you feel that someone is your rock then who cares if anyone else thinks they are.... relationships are a team... 100/100 not just 50/50. To win in this game of life you gotta stick with your team... they will be your everything. Especially if it means someone you love... someone with a future... someone you plan or are hoping to spend the rest of your life with. Don't settle... keep your eyes to the stars... and do what's best for you. Everything else will fall into place...

~ ... kisses like whispers... spark a flame...~ 

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

the leaves are gorgeous... the rest SUCKS!*

the leaves are gorgeous... the rest SUCKS!*

Current mood:discontent

so ya, today was lame. The yard looks gorgeous and I'm trying to be happy because afterall... its fall and fall is my favorite season!! Everything is so pretty and the clothes are getting comfy and I just love this time of year. On that note, this is probably going to be a long blog. A little bit of bitching about my absolutely !!horrendous!! day followed with a swallow of philosophy because well... it makes me feel better to rationalize the shittiness  ....

Got up, took corrie to school, went to the gas station to get the usual gatorade and mag for the gym, hit the gym, came home... and somewhere in the fucking equasion i lost my phone  (so if you have been trying to call or text and haven't been able to get ahold of me... that's why). So, I came home from the gym, took a shower and got all clean and nice to go run errands and found out that emissions and new tags for my truck were altogether going to run me about 150.00 and oh that's right, I"M BROKE.So i said fuck that and decided I would stay home and feel sorry for myself all day  because I'm special that way. Nothing has really been going right lately... it seems like anything that can go wrong does. Now usually I try to see the benefit in any given situation but right now, I'm just plainPISSY. It has just been a horrible couple of weeks and i'm more than ready for them to be over with....

It could always be worse. Whenever we think that things are the worse they could possibly be I think its important to look outside ourselves and look at the bigger picture. I mean really... in the grand scheme of things, how important is it really that I lost a cell phone when there is so many worse things? Yes, it kinda sucks for me, especially because I am broke, but I'm not wondering where my next meal is going to come from, my family and friends are healthy (aside from the stunningly elaborate digestive firework show they showcase every weekend from being too nice to Jose)... things just aren't spectacular. But spectacular comes from within. If I want things to be spectacular I have to work to make them that way. Life rewards action. Nothing is free but you always have options. Which is nice when you are going through a rough patch.... it all evens out if you choose it to. If you really think about all the choices we have... all the choices we make on a daily basis... possibilities are endless and potential is infinate. There is this old saying... hardship is opportunity in disguise. Without rough patches we couldn't grow.... change is movement and in movement there is life. Sometimes the rough spot is losing a cell phone you can't afford to replace... sometimes its an abusive lover or a sick family member. Things can always be worse but as long as we have choice we have the ability to change those rough spots... work through them, find our options, and use them as new pavement for a smoother ride in the future. May every day bring us all a glorious new array of possibility for that is the one thing that keeps us getting up each day... the uncertain promise of tomorrow's wonder.*

.-* must be the leaves  *-.

7:06 PM

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    frgetmenot (MEREDITH)

    Perfectly, right on, hit-the-spot amazing * this is why you are my best friend...because you don't just bitch, you add to it the reason, the understanding, and all the difference* Love you my little sherbert pervert* Love your kitty...I mean not in a masturbational sort of way...but ME THE KITTY!!! Silly pervert....

    6 years ago
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

heheh... bored... my quiz results :) *

heheh... bored... my quiz results :) *

Current mood:bored

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

http://images.blogthings.com/whatisyourseductionstylequiz/natural.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatisyourseductionstylequiz/">What Is Your Seduction Style?

You Are As Cool As They Come

http://images.blogthings.com/areyouadramaqueenquiz/cool.jpg" height="100" width="100"> Rational and relaxed, no one could accuse you of being dramatic. You roll with the punches, and nothing ever gets you too worked up. You are able to maintain perspective and see the big picture. And even if you're emotional inside, you don't let it show. You're great at keeping it together, and you're rewarded for that. People see you as an ideal friend, employee, and partner.

Are'>http://www.blogthings.com/areyouadramaqueenquiz/">Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

http://images.blogthings.com/howisyourinnerchildquiz/surprised.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howisyourinnerchildquiz/">How Is Your Inner Child?

Your EQ is 140

http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyoureqquiz/emotions.jpg" height="100" width="100"> 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's">http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyoureqquiz/">What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Your Passion is Blue

http://images.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourpassionquiz/blue-passion.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You are a total dream in the bedroom. Sex is a fine art for you - and you're a total Picasso in your pleasure making. You like to build things up slowly, savoring each moment. And you'd never think of skipping foreplay or afterplay... they're part of the package.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourpassionquiz/">What Color Is Your Passion?

You Should Drive a Lamborghini

http://images.blogthings.com/whatsportscarshouldyoudrivequiz/lamborghini.jpg" height="100" width="100"> A true daredevil, you're always in search of a new rush. Clearly, you're a total speed demon... just don't get caught!

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatsportscarshouldyoudrivequiz/">What Sports Car Should You Drive?

*TOTALLY MY FAVORITE CAR EVER BY THE WAY!!!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

http://images.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/love.jpg" height="100" width="100"> Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/">The Five Variable Love Test

Guys Like That You're Fun

http://images.yournewromance.com/whatdoguyslikeaboutyouquiz/you-are-fun.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You're the type of girl guys brag about knowing That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you

What'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/whatdoguyslikeaboutyouquiz/">What Do Guys Like About You?

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*