Hiding in plain sight....*

Well.... life has been turned on my head once again. And I'm actually quite happy about it :)

I have been working for RS for three years. And for that three years, my job has consumed the majority of my life. I have been working 50+ hour work weeks at a mandatory six days per week. I have missed birthdays, holidays, parties, events, births of friends' children, and everything in between. I have put up hundreds of thousands of price tags, written hundreds of schedules, done more planograms than I can count, hired, fired, laughed, cried, and worked myself into oblivion. I have developed relationships that will see me long into the future, and created problems in my relationships at home. RS has been my life for the past three years.

But no more.

Day before yesterday, I was fired. Yep. Fired. Me. Can you believe it? And yet, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at the best possible time. I got fired for a reason that was not within my control but I will happily accept the outcome. It all fell into place at the best possible moment, which makes me completely convinced that it was what was supposed to happen. Here's why:

1) My wonderful, beautiful grandparents in Texas heard about all that I was accomplishing and my fantastic 4.0 from last semester and, as a treat, sent me a little extra money in the bank. Wonderful people those grandparents of mine :).

2) I just purchased my gorgeous Cruze, and have enough money in the bank to cover the payments for a little while until I find my newest adventure in the work world.

3) Midterms for school are over the next couple of weeks which just so happened to be the time @ RS when we were scheduled to have two manager meetings in Greenwood Village, a Verizon training, four store resets from 9pm - 1am AT LEAST, on top of pricing changes, store hour changes, and all of this stuff going on at school.

4) I have an amazing significant other who supports me and wants me to be happy in a job that pays me well. So, probably for most of the remainder of this semester ( a couple of months ) I am going to be house cleaner, pet player wither, volunteer work doing, school ass busting, Turbo Fire Bombshell looking out for my family, friends, and myself... of which all have been neglected deeply over the past three years.

So, plan of action from here? Turbo Fire my butt off and ROCK our Bombshell challenge, get together a stellar resume (which my leadership professor has already gladly agreed to help me with), do some volunteer work for some local shelters as I have wanted to do for SO long, and kick butt at school while blitzing every vet office in the Denver Metro Area looking for any possible shoe in so I can have a job that takes care of me and that will truly value all my hard work and determination. I'm going to enjoy some of the Halloween festivities I otherwise would have missed (or been unable to fully enjoy due to work scheduling or homework), spend time with my family, and pull off another 4.0 semester.

All of it sounds great on paper... and I do believe it is the best thing for me. But I must admit.... only a couple of days in and I'm already itching for things to do. Sure, i have plenty to catch up on in my life that I have missed, and money isn't everything, but a lot of who I am is tied up in my work. I have a very huge drive when it comes to tasks and accomplishments... and being fired (backslash separated from my family of three years) was a huge hit to my confidence. Even if it wasn't something I could have done anything about, I still feel like a failure. Which I suppose rolls us right in to the next topic:

Hiding in plain sight.

Let me explain.

So much has happened to me in my life time, as does all of us. We experience failure, rejection, sadness, and more than our fair share of embarassment. There is also a deeper side of things. A darker side. A side that makes us want to protect ourselves from the world. I have especially embraced this side of myself over the years and really "fed the monster" so to speak. I gained a bunch of weight, stopped taking care of myself, and found every reason not to. I'm too busy, I work too hard, I don't have enough time.... all of the typical reasons we find to neglect ourselves and the things that are best for us. Okay okay, I know what you are thinking... but I promise I'm getting to the point. I have been around a lot of overweight people... embraced them, loved them, and thought nothing of the exterior because after all, "it is what's on the inside that counts." Going through the challenge that I have been going through (and the past year or so I have had weight loss at the forefront of my mind) I have learned something very valuable about myself and in turn, others.

We eat to protect ourselves. Especially those who have been significantly overweight for a long period of time. We do it for comfort as we don't want to bother anyone else with our problems. We do it to shelter ourselves from rejection because we have the weight to blame it on. "Well, if I was thinner...." is our favorite excuse for why things aren't happening for us. Food becomes our way to build a very literal wall that protects us from hurt, pain, rejection, attention, people. Often it happens out of shame, pain, loneliness.... we want to disappear but, life waits for no one. We can't just stop going to work, school, or interacting with people, so we hide. We hide in plain sight. We cover ourselves with a thick layer of camofloge so that we don't have to face the outside world, risking the same kind of intense hurt or rejection and having to feel it all over.

Why do I tie these two together?

Because if I was the old me, I would be eating myself into an oblivion right now. But I'm not. I have not strayed from my program, despite the intense feelings of diminished value (because I am not an active member of the workforce), rejection (losing my job of three years for a reason I couldn't control), and fear (what is going to happen now?).

I am so proud of where I have come from. Mostly, I am proud that for the first time in my life, I have developed healthy skills to cope with my anxiety. I am a worrier by nature, to the point that the old me would be paralyzed with fear. Fear of making the wrong choice, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of just being alive. I would eat to hide from the attention from the opposite sex, but yet I would blame any rejection on the weight. I didn't want people to pay attention to me because then I would have to deal with expectations (what if I fail?), disappointment, and a whole slew of negativity I would assign to interaction. It was just too much, and I didn't have the energy to deal with it. So I hid. I hid under my fat, I hid under my busy schedule... and now.... as the fat is going away and the busy schedule is suddenly wide open...

... I have to be present. Present in the moment with my feelings, with the people around me, with the emotional needs of others....

And I while I still feel the fear... I am handling it. Better than handling it. Successfully managing it and embracing this change as a positive occurence in my life.

It is moments like these that you can sit back and say.... I have really made a difference in my own life over this past year.... and the implications of that are amazing. It is like a light switched has flipped.... one risk leads to another to another... accomplishing more and more and all of the sudden I find myself asking....

What can't I do? And in the same breath, I already have my answer.

NOTHING.

Feel the fear.... and do it anyway. You can change your life if you do it just one thing at a time. Take one risk, one step, one leap of faith. Because after all...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And before you know it, you are everything you ever dreamed of being. The universe moves all the right people in, all the wrong people out, and helps the man (or woman ;) who helps himself....

And it all starts with you.

...must be the puppy chow....

RanDomNess in sopRanO..*

As I sit here tonight, I have a million different things running through my brain I just have to spill some of it out and lighten my load. Bare with me... you are now my load bearing camel.

To rewind and bring things up to speed a bit, a ton has happened since my last blog post. I earned my !! 4.0 !! last semester which I am SO super proud of it is UNREAL!!!! I am FINALLY back in school now for the fall semester and I have to admit, haven't had the most positive attitude. I absolutely LOVE school, but my fear of how the late semester is going to turn out makes me a nervous mess. After all, it is holiday season in a busier store WHILE trying to keep grades in the 4.0 clear. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried... in fact, I know I shouldn't be so worried. Sure it will be stressful, and yes, time will be short, but I just need to take it one day at a time. I made it through last semester BETTER than fine and that was while running my old store, my new store, and helping to staff half the understaffed stores in the district. I can do this.... right?

Also making an appearance on the noteworthy excitement list, I officially made my first adult purchase about a week and a half ago... A BRAND NEW CAR! Her name is Turbo :) and she is a silver 2011 Chevy Cruze and I LOVE HER TO BITS. Who knew a "grown up" car could make you feel so accomplished?

Many friends have had babies and even more are on their way to having babies.... so many in fact that my Travy and I are the last ones left. It's kind of weird to think about in those terms, but in a way, I am so proud of where we are. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I feel like we are headed in the right direction. September (this month) marks our fifth year of being us. And I couldn't be happier. :)

My new store is fantastic and I whole heartedly enjoy my new group of people. They are all quite the characters and we have been through so much together already. Lots of laughs, lots of tears, lots of frustration, and some very long nights. It should be a very interesting holiday season... I'm glad I have their support to make it through otherwise Jen might turn into a four letter word....

All furries are present and accounted for at the Goldsmith Zoo... even aquired a new addition: Shasta... a rotweiler/cockerspaniel mix. Yeah, I thought so too. Last night, which I missed, she apparently took a special affection to a fish hook which promptly ended up speared through her face. All is well today however, except for some puffiness, and she is back to her crazy self. Side note... that dog could use some anti-lock breaks. She runs into EVERYTHING!

Halloween is in FULL SWING here... I left this morning and things were normal... came home and walked straight into an episode of Tales from the Crypt. I love fall :) .

.... feeling excessive randomness commencing in 3....2....1....

- got new Steve Madden heels for dirt cheap recently. 5" heels. Painful.

- Cincetti's had fantastic food... we went there for the first time last week but don't know when we will be back considering their glazed carrots (best guess) gave me food poisoning.

- Onstar the service is truly almost as cool as Onstar the poodle. If I can start and unlock/lock my car from my phone and text it an address for it to give me directions the next time I get in the car, I can only imagine what my kids will have when they buy their first grown up car.

- I need to add more water to my fish tank. I also think that Shane Carwin fish is in fact a Shana Carwin as Travage fish has been following her around constantly with a nose up her butt.

- I should start recycling cans. Too much Pepsi Max. Maybe I should drink more water instead.

- Turbo Fire is amazing. Even better than P90X.

- Lucee is addicted to Cheddar Sun Chips. I have only ever had one bag but she is nuts about it.

- I should be writing a paper right now. It only needs to be two pages long comparing and contrasting Plato and Aristotle's views of virtue but somehow the randomness has taken over and I cannot seem to finish the damn thing. Go figure.

- Feeling slightly negative lately. Just feels like I am constantly rushing about at the whim of others at the expense of sleep, sex, showers, and sanity. It is making me a tad bit bitter I think. Lack of working out might be hurting that situation as well.

- The lead singer from Blue October is strangely hot.

- Having random body parts fall asleep is both equally frustrating and excruciating.

- I hope the next seven years of my life aren't equally as hard as the last year.

I need to write a more well organized blog.

Stress = Random. I bet by the time I am in vet school, my blog posts will consist of a bunch of one word nonsense. Hope you are still with me my camel friend... I promise it will be back to the thoughtful articulate banter usually found on this channel next time. Well.. maybe.

... must be the puppy chow... and the Pepsi Max....

Life's defining moments...*

I officially just turned in my last homework assignment of my first semester as a serious college student (Bel Rea didn't count...).

I am sad that school is over. Funny right? School makes me feel so very.... alive. It gives me the confidence I've been lacking for years, and makes all aspects of my life better. I will miss school... at least until August ;)

So now I play the waiting game. Official grades are posted May 20th and I am on the edge of my seat. Did I make the 4.0?

College has changed me.

Now, I do silly things like read Plato for fun and keep my backpack handy where ever I go. But it is so much more than that.

I want to learn. I have drive. I want to be the best and smartest in all I do. And most importantly...

... I'm inspired.

Truly, deeply, intrinsically inspired.

I remember the days when my mom used to tell me that I could do anything I set my mind to. Of course back then, it was just one of those things that mom said because that's what mom's are supposed to say. Through out my teenage years and into young adulthood, I lost my way. My emotions, my eating, my LIFE, was out of control. And man, did I show it. I was struggling to get by on my own, and I guess you could say I was barely making the margin you could call success... if you call success living on top ramen, gaining weight like it was going out of style, and working long hours for minimal pay... I was succeeding. I had my own place, my own employees, and my own freedom, but that is where it ends.

There is something to be said about the gravity of self mastery.

I may have had things seemingly together (and sometimes not so seemingly) on the outside... but emotionally, mentally, I was on the edge of collapse every single day. I wasn't challenged, and I wasn't happy. No faith in myself, no faith in others, and certainly no faith that the future would be any different. I must admit, I was terrified when I started school. Terrified that I would once again disappoint my family, my friends, myself. I thought I was certainly setting myself up for failure, afterall, vet school was a lofty goal for someone like me. But what did I have to lose? I moved back home with the parents, got some therapy, and mustered up just enough courage to move forward. Fear gripped me like nothing I'd previous experienced... over school? How silly one may say. But school is so much more than that. School was the reclaiming of my life... the final overthrow of the me I'd been prisoner of for so long. Could I really do this?

Yes. Yes I could. And did!

For the past five months, I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I ran my quiet little Radio Shack in Golden as the store manager while going to school full time. That is six days a week of work on top of being a full time student. Wow. And the more exciting part? Not only did I make it through... I GOT PROMOTED, while maintaining a 4.0 all semester long. The final grades aren't in yet, I know a couple were close, but regardless, I did it.

And I am proud.

I will be tagging a few of you on facebook when I post up this blog because I want you to know how much your support has meant to me. While all of my friends have been immensely supportive, you touched me. You pushed me. You knew I could do it before I did. You helped make me a better person. And I could not be more grateful. Your silent cheers (and not so silent cheers) helped give me something back I had been missing for so long....

... myself.

A night in history…*

In all fairness, tonight was meant to be one of those nights. You know, filled with self pity and a small sense of pride, where you whine about how tired you are and how much you overachieved… sat around in pajamas, had some food, and hit the sack. I have been running two stores on top of going into the last two weeks of school. I am beyond exhausted. Hell, I don't see how I'm writing this now. But then, while waiting for said food to finish cooking, an announcement blips up on the TV screen and I just happened to hear the news reporter say…

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Wait. What did he say?

As the night went on, I sat there in an amazed stupor, gawking at the television while the media recounted the life of the man responsible for the most horrendous act of terrorism the United States has ever known. I've cried about it, I've watched shows and movies and cried some more. My morbid obsession with the events of that day has led me to wonder how anyone on the face of this Earth could do what they did. And now, after many years of coming up short, the man behind the death of so many innocent Americans has been dealt the same fate. Only he was not so innocent.

I remember 9/11… I was in American Government when it happened. We watched it on the news, begged Mr. Lombardi to keep the TV on until he was forced to shut it off around the time the second tower was hit. Then after, days and weeks and years… images and audio from that fateful day twisting your heart into knots. And now… the chapter is closed. Or is it? The man responsible for the death of so many has now been dealt death himself… but what now? Are we really safer? Or are we in more trouble?

Regardless, as I sit here now, watching so many of the posts update across facebook, videos upload to YouTube, and news explode with reactions to the report… I am speechless. I picture the cheers and tears of the men and women overseas serving our country… what they must be feeling right now. I think about the hugs and heartbreak shared among the families of those who perished September 11^th... and can only remain quiet. I sit here at the dining room table… Lucee underfoot, soda in hand, homework strung about the table top, and listen only to my own breath and the click click click of the keystrokes I make.

Oh the things that we get caught up with in life. The drama and jealousy of what others have or we have not. How tired we are. All the things we must do to get from one point to another, and how we can do it better than our neighbor. Who is right, who is wrong, what planograms aren't done or who left sticky stuff on your desk…

…meaningless.

Death is the great equalizer. It doesn't care how good, how evil, how innocent or corrupt we are. We are human. We are mortal. We are flawed. We never know how much time we have. How much time we have to tell someone we love them, how much time we have to do the right thing, how much time we have to spread light instead of darkness. We are all lost souls… wandering around this life we are given, some in search of love, some in search of power, some in search of the that which cannot be named. We get consumed by that which we think defines us, forgetting how precious and fragile this life is. Every day we get up and play the role we have chosen, only rarely stumbling upon a glimpse of the big picture. Today, I gained some perspective. I gained some solitude. I gained hope.

My heart goes out to all of those who lost their husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grandmas, grandpas, and friends in the events of 9/11. To the great soldiers who have been willing to give their lives in every sense of the word to protect our freedom and ensure our safety, we are eternally grateful. To the police officers and fire fighters that so bravely risked their lives on that day and every day here at home… you're heroes. And lastly…. to you, my fellow citizens of this amazing country... May we find peace, may we find hope, and may we exemplify all that is just and worthy of living in this land of dreams.

May we live as if there is no tomorrow… and never forget.