Life's defining moments...*

I officially just turned in my last homework assignment of my first semester as a serious college student (Bel Rea didn't count...).

I am sad that school is over. Funny right? School makes me feel so very.... alive. It gives me the confidence I've been lacking for years, and makes all aspects of my life better. I will miss school... at least until August ;)

So now I play the waiting game. Official grades are posted May 20th and I am on the edge of my seat. Did I make the 4.0?

College has changed me.

Now, I do silly things like read Plato for fun and keep my backpack handy where ever I go. But it is so much more than that.

I want to learn. I have drive. I want to be the best and smartest in all I do. And most importantly...

... I'm inspired.

Truly, deeply, intrinsically inspired.

I remember the days when my mom used to tell me that I could do anything I set my mind to. Of course back then, it was just one of those things that mom said because that's what mom's are supposed to say. Through out my teenage years and into young adulthood, I lost my way. My emotions, my eating, my LIFE, was out of control. And man, did I show it. I was struggling to get by on my own, and I guess you could say I was barely making the margin you could call success... if you call success living on top ramen, gaining weight like it was going out of style, and working long hours for minimal pay... I was succeeding. I had my own place, my own employees, and my own freedom, but that is where it ends.

There is something to be said about the gravity of self mastery.

I may have had things seemingly together (and sometimes not so seemingly) on the outside... but emotionally, mentally, I was on the edge of collapse every single day. I wasn't challenged, and I wasn't happy. No faith in myself, no faith in others, and certainly no faith that the future would be any different. I must admit, I was terrified when I started school. Terrified that I would once again disappoint my family, my friends, myself. I thought I was certainly setting myself up for failure, afterall, vet school was a lofty goal for someone like me. But what did I have to lose? I moved back home with the parents, got some therapy, and mustered up just enough courage to move forward. Fear gripped me like nothing I'd previous experienced... over school? How silly one may say. But school is so much more than that. School was the reclaiming of my life... the final overthrow of the me I'd been prisoner of for so long. Could I really do this?

Yes. Yes I could. And did!

For the past five months, I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I ran my quiet little Radio Shack in Golden as the store manager while going to school full time. That is six days a week of work on top of being a full time student. Wow. And the more exciting part? Not only did I make it through... I GOT PROMOTED, while maintaining a 4.0 all semester long. The final grades aren't in yet, I know a couple were close, but regardless, I did it.

And I am proud.

I will be tagging a few of you on facebook when I post up this blog because I want you to know how much your support has meant to me. While all of my friends have been immensely supportive, you touched me. You pushed me. You knew I could do it before I did. You helped make me a better person. And I could not be more grateful. Your silent cheers (and not so silent cheers) helped give me something back I had been missing for so long....

... myself.

A night in history…*

In all fairness, tonight was meant to be one of those nights. You know, filled with self pity and a small sense of pride, where you whine about how tired you are and how much you overachieved… sat around in pajamas, had some food, and hit the sack. I have been running two stores on top of going into the last two weeks of school. I am beyond exhausted. Hell, I don't see how I'm writing this now. But then, while waiting for said food to finish cooking, an announcement blips up on the TV screen and I just happened to hear the news reporter say…

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Wait. What did he say?

As the night went on, I sat there in an amazed stupor, gawking at the television while the media recounted the life of the man responsible for the most horrendous act of terrorism the United States has ever known. I've cried about it, I've watched shows and movies and cried some more. My morbid obsession with the events of that day has led me to wonder how anyone on the face of this Earth could do what they did. And now, after many years of coming up short, the man behind the death of so many innocent Americans has been dealt the same fate. Only he was not so innocent.

I remember 9/11… I was in American Government when it happened. We watched it on the news, begged Mr. Lombardi to keep the TV on until he was forced to shut it off around the time the second tower was hit. Then after, days and weeks and years… images and audio from that fateful day twisting your heart into knots. And now… the chapter is closed. Or is it? The man responsible for the death of so many has now been dealt death himself… but what now? Are we really safer? Or are we in more trouble?

Regardless, as I sit here now, watching so many of the posts update across facebook, videos upload to YouTube, and news explode with reactions to the report… I am speechless. I picture the cheers and tears of the men and women overseas serving our country… what they must be feeling right now. I think about the hugs and heartbreak shared among the families of those who perished September 11^th... and can only remain quiet. I sit here at the dining room table… Lucee underfoot, soda in hand, homework strung about the table top, and listen only to my own breath and the click click click of the keystrokes I make.

Oh the things that we get caught up with in life. The drama and jealousy of what others have or we have not. How tired we are. All the things we must do to get from one point to another, and how we can do it better than our neighbor. Who is right, who is wrong, what planograms aren't done or who left sticky stuff on your desk…

…meaningless.

Death is the great equalizer. It doesn't care how good, how evil, how innocent or corrupt we are. We are human. We are mortal. We are flawed. We never know how much time we have. How much time we have to tell someone we love them, how much time we have to do the right thing, how much time we have to spread light instead of darkness. We are all lost souls… wandering around this life we are given, some in search of love, some in search of power, some in search of the that which cannot be named. We get consumed by that which we think defines us, forgetting how precious and fragile this life is. Every day we get up and play the role we have chosen, only rarely stumbling upon a glimpse of the big picture. Today, I gained some perspective. I gained some solitude. I gained hope.

My heart goes out to all of those who lost their husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grandmas, grandpas, and friends in the events of 9/11. To the great soldiers who have been willing to give their lives in every sense of the word to protect our freedom and ensure our safety, we are eternally grateful. To the police officers and fire fighters that so bravely risked their lives on that day and every day here at home… you're heroes. And lastly…. to you, my fellow citizens of this amazing country... May we find peace, may we find hope, and may we exemplify all that is just and worthy of living in this land of dreams.

May we live as if there is no tomorrow… and never forget.