:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

Current mood:frustrated

ya know, there are times when you just feel... ick. Like a smothering, frustrating, gut wrenching just wanna cry for no reason yuck.

Today is a great day for ick.

Haven't had a shower. Don't even care. Been looking for new job stuff all day. Nothing good. Dog being clingy like crazy. Frustrating. Money going out, none coming in... the worst.

I'm not completely sure why but the last few days I've started reverting back into my little hole. Probably because there are a whole bunch of things that I don't want to hear anymore, don't want to deal with anymore, and plain just want to forget. Life is so rewarding and yet, completely an exercise in futility most of the time.

Where has my positive outlook gone? I'm not sure but the past two or three days I've looked and looked and looked and can't find it anywhere. Hopefully it will come back soon because I've been doing so good... and its sorely missed.

I guess I'm going through one of those quarter life crisis moments where you look at where you are and wonder how you got here. You had so many great plans for yourself. Great goals. What happened?!

Life happened.

Life rarely goes as planned I've noticed. I've also noticed that I'm so jealous of those that seem to have it so easy. It feels like I'm alone in the world fighting it out sometimes... and I hate it. There is nothing worse than feeling like you weren't prepared for this... like you wish you could go back in time and do a better job. I was out on my own early... and I guess I should be proud that I've made it this long. A lot of people my age either still live with their parents or have to lean on their boyfriend or girlfriend to survive otherwise right back to mom and dads. I've done it. I'm out on my own, relying on myself to get by. I will admit that I have had a little help from someone that knows much more than I about surviving in the financial world... and i'm doing a lot better in my own money river because of it. HOWEVER, the money river has always run pretty shallow... and now it feels as though its starting to dry up without hope for a winter melt to replenish it.

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of wearing ratty jeans, eating cheap processed HORRIBLY bad for me food, and never being able to go get a new purse or perfume without feeling sick to my stomach with guilt. Because its bill money. Everything is bill money. Money that isn't even my money yet is bill money. I definitely wish I knew at 18 what I now know at 21.... I think I would be in a lot better place monitarily, never would have gotten myself in such a hole.

I'm in need of a life makeover.

Its not that i'm not happy with my life necessarily, but i feel like i've made some pretty not so great mistakes. I feel this overwhelming need to sell off or throw away everything I own... including my poor pets who don't get near the attention they used to or should. So much needs to be done... and it seems like this is the best time to get things where they need to be... I have more than enough time on my hands at the moment (unfortunately ). Nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Especially the things I want.

Hard work definitely is something I'm good at. And I think that my life is in need of a lot of it. I'm antsy, I'm irritable, and I think its because things aren't going how I want them to.. or how I think they should based on how much I've done.

Nothing comes fast enough these days. My once runneth over cup of patience is almost bone dry. Not my honey, not the weight loss, not the tan or the job or the money. Not the house, not the car, not the end result.

Life is about the journey. Life is about possibilities.

.:*Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming*:.

Although through all this bitching... there is a silver lining....

My Red Wings are about to win the Stanley Cup 

~... must be the puppy chow... ~

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*