RanDomNess in sopRanO..*

As I sit here tonight, I have a million different things running through my brain I just have to spill some of it out and lighten my load. Bare with me... you are now my load bearing camel.

To rewind and bring things up to speed a bit, a ton has happened since my last blog post. I earned my !! 4.0 !! last semester which I am SO super proud of it is UNREAL!!!! I am FINALLY back in school now for the fall semester and I have to admit, haven't had the most positive attitude. I absolutely LOVE school, but my fear of how the late semester is going to turn out makes me a nervous mess. After all, it is holiday season in a busier store WHILE trying to keep grades in the 4.0 clear. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried... in fact, I know I shouldn't be so worried. Sure it will be stressful, and yes, time will be short, but I just need to take it one day at a time. I made it through last semester BETTER than fine and that was while running my old store, my new store, and helping to staff half the understaffed stores in the district. I can do this.... right?

Also making an appearance on the noteworthy excitement list, I officially made my first adult purchase about a week and a half ago... A BRAND NEW CAR! Her name is Turbo :) and she is a silver 2011 Chevy Cruze and I LOVE HER TO BITS. Who knew a "grown up" car could make you feel so accomplished?

Many friends have had babies and even more are on their way to having babies.... so many in fact that my Travy and I are the last ones left. It's kind of weird to think about in those terms, but in a way, I am so proud of where we are. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I feel like we are headed in the right direction. September (this month) marks our fifth year of being us. And I couldn't be happier. :)

My new store is fantastic and I whole heartedly enjoy my new group of people. They are all quite the characters and we have been through so much together already. Lots of laughs, lots of tears, lots of frustration, and some very long nights. It should be a very interesting holiday season... I'm glad I have their support to make it through otherwise Jen might turn into a four letter word....

All furries are present and accounted for at the Goldsmith Zoo... even aquired a new addition: Shasta... a rotweiler/cockerspaniel mix. Yeah, I thought so too. Last night, which I missed, she apparently took a special affection to a fish hook which promptly ended up speared through her face. All is well today however, except for some puffiness, and she is back to her crazy self. Side note... that dog could use some anti-lock breaks. She runs into EVERYTHING!

Halloween is in FULL SWING here... I left this morning and things were normal... came home and walked straight into an episode of Tales from the Crypt. I love fall :) .

.... feeling excessive randomness commencing in 3....2....1....

- got new Steve Madden heels for dirt cheap recently. 5" heels. Painful.

- Cincetti's had fantastic food... we went there for the first time last week but don't know when we will be back considering their glazed carrots (best guess) gave me food poisoning.

- Onstar the service is truly almost as cool as Onstar the poodle. If I can start and unlock/lock my car from my phone and text it an address for it to give me directions the next time I get in the car, I can only imagine what my kids will have when they buy their first grown up car.

- I need to add more water to my fish tank. I also think that Shane Carwin fish is in fact a Shana Carwin as Travage fish has been following her around constantly with a nose up her butt.

- I should start recycling cans. Too much Pepsi Max. Maybe I should drink more water instead.

- Turbo Fire is amazing. Even better than P90X.

- Lucee is addicted to Cheddar Sun Chips. I have only ever had one bag but she is nuts about it.

- I should be writing a paper right now. It only needs to be two pages long comparing and contrasting Plato and Aristotle's views of virtue but somehow the randomness has taken over and I cannot seem to finish the damn thing. Go figure.

- Feeling slightly negative lately. Just feels like I am constantly rushing about at the whim of others at the expense of sleep, sex, showers, and sanity. It is making me a tad bit bitter I think. Lack of working out might be hurting that situation as well.

- The lead singer from Blue October is strangely hot.

- Having random body parts fall asleep is both equally frustrating and excruciating.

- I hope the next seven years of my life aren't equally as hard as the last year.

I need to write a more well organized blog.

Stress = Random. I bet by the time I am in vet school, my blog posts will consist of a bunch of one word nonsense. Hope you are still with me my camel friend... I promise it will be back to the thoughtful articulate banter usually found on this channel next time. Well.. maybe.

... must be the puppy chow... and the Pepsi Max....

Life's defining moments...*

I officially just turned in my last homework assignment of my first semester as a serious college student (Bel Rea didn't count...).

I am sad that school is over. Funny right? School makes me feel so very.... alive. It gives me the confidence I've been lacking for years, and makes all aspects of my life better. I will miss school... at least until August ;)

So now I play the waiting game. Official grades are posted May 20th and I am on the edge of my seat. Did I make the 4.0?

College has changed me.

Now, I do silly things like read Plato for fun and keep my backpack handy where ever I go. But it is so much more than that.

I want to learn. I have drive. I want to be the best and smartest in all I do. And most importantly...

... I'm inspired.

Truly, deeply, intrinsically inspired.

I remember the days when my mom used to tell me that I could do anything I set my mind to. Of course back then, it was just one of those things that mom said because that's what mom's are supposed to say. Through out my teenage years and into young adulthood, I lost my way. My emotions, my eating, my LIFE, was out of control. And man, did I show it. I was struggling to get by on my own, and I guess you could say I was barely making the margin you could call success... if you call success living on top ramen, gaining weight like it was going out of style, and working long hours for minimal pay... I was succeeding. I had my own place, my own employees, and my own freedom, but that is where it ends.

There is something to be said about the gravity of self mastery.

I may have had things seemingly together (and sometimes not so seemingly) on the outside... but emotionally, mentally, I was on the edge of collapse every single day. I wasn't challenged, and I wasn't happy. No faith in myself, no faith in others, and certainly no faith that the future would be any different. I must admit, I was terrified when I started school. Terrified that I would once again disappoint my family, my friends, myself. I thought I was certainly setting myself up for failure, afterall, vet school was a lofty goal for someone like me. But what did I have to lose? I moved back home with the parents, got some therapy, and mustered up just enough courage to move forward. Fear gripped me like nothing I'd previous experienced... over school? How silly one may say. But school is so much more than that. School was the reclaiming of my life... the final overthrow of the me I'd been prisoner of for so long. Could I really do this?

Yes. Yes I could. And did!

For the past five months, I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I ran my quiet little Radio Shack in Golden as the store manager while going to school full time. That is six days a week of work on top of being a full time student. Wow. And the more exciting part? Not only did I make it through... I GOT PROMOTED, while maintaining a 4.0 all semester long. The final grades aren't in yet, I know a couple were close, but regardless, I did it.

And I am proud.

I will be tagging a few of you on facebook when I post up this blog because I want you to know how much your support has meant to me. While all of my friends have been immensely supportive, you touched me. You pushed me. You knew I could do it before I did. You helped make me a better person. And I could not be more grateful. Your silent cheers (and not so silent cheers) helped give me something back I had been missing for so long....

... myself.

A night in history…*

In all fairness, tonight was meant to be one of those nights. You know, filled with self pity and a small sense of pride, where you whine about how tired you are and how much you overachieved… sat around in pajamas, had some food, and hit the sack. I have been running two stores on top of going into the last two weeks of school. I am beyond exhausted. Hell, I don't see how I'm writing this now. But then, while waiting for said food to finish cooking, an announcement blips up on the TV screen and I just happened to hear the news reporter say…

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Wait. What did he say?

As the night went on, I sat there in an amazed stupor, gawking at the television while the media recounted the life of the man responsible for the most horrendous act of terrorism the United States has ever known. I've cried about it, I've watched shows and movies and cried some more. My morbid obsession with the events of that day has led me to wonder how anyone on the face of this Earth could do what they did. And now, after many years of coming up short, the man behind the death of so many innocent Americans has been dealt the same fate. Only he was not so innocent.

I remember 9/11… I was in American Government when it happened. We watched it on the news, begged Mr. Lombardi to keep the TV on until he was forced to shut it off around the time the second tower was hit. Then after, days and weeks and years… images and audio from that fateful day twisting your heart into knots. And now… the chapter is closed. Or is it? The man responsible for the death of so many has now been dealt death himself… but what now? Are we really safer? Or are we in more trouble?

Regardless, as I sit here now, watching so many of the posts update across facebook, videos upload to YouTube, and news explode with reactions to the report… I am speechless. I picture the cheers and tears of the men and women overseas serving our country… what they must be feeling right now. I think about the hugs and heartbreak shared among the families of those who perished September 11^th... and can only remain quiet. I sit here at the dining room table… Lucee underfoot, soda in hand, homework strung about the table top, and listen only to my own breath and the click click click of the keystrokes I make.

Oh the things that we get caught up with in life. The drama and jealousy of what others have or we have not. How tired we are. All the things we must do to get from one point to another, and how we can do it better than our neighbor. Who is right, who is wrong, what planograms aren't done or who left sticky stuff on your desk…

…meaningless.

Death is the great equalizer. It doesn't care how good, how evil, how innocent or corrupt we are. We are human. We are mortal. We are flawed. We never know how much time we have. How much time we have to tell someone we love them, how much time we have to do the right thing, how much time we have to spread light instead of darkness. We are all lost souls… wandering around this life we are given, some in search of love, some in search of power, some in search of the that which cannot be named. We get consumed by that which we think defines us, forgetting how precious and fragile this life is. Every day we get up and play the role we have chosen, only rarely stumbling upon a glimpse of the big picture. Today, I gained some perspective. I gained some solitude. I gained hope.

My heart goes out to all of those who lost their husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grandmas, grandpas, and friends in the events of 9/11. To the great soldiers who have been willing to give their lives in every sense of the word to protect our freedom and ensure our safety, we are eternally grateful. To the police officers and fire fighters that so bravely risked their lives on that day and every day here at home… you're heroes. And lastly…. to you, my fellow citizens of this amazing country... May we find peace, may we find hope, and may we exemplify all that is just and worthy of living in this land of dreams.

May we live as if there is no tomorrow… and never forget.

A Home for Maverick and Zoey*

I've loved you since the day I saw you.

Your furry little face and sweet little eyes looking up at me as if to say,

"You're the one."

"You're the one whose make-up I will hijack and hide behind the couch. You're the one whose food I will steal, plants I will knock over, feet I will chase, and shoes I will curl up on. You're the one whose clean clothes I will roll in, bathtub I will swim in, and whose hamper in which I will hide.

We will play in the leaves...

...escape from baths...

...and pile in the hammock for a good nap.

We will win Mile High Ferret Club costume contests for our "sock"er team costume...

... and will greatly enjoy sleeping in our new litterbox.

I will show my appreciation of your hard work by running around the extremely large cage it took you forever to build...

... and even stop every now and then to pose for a picture and a kiss.

I will play in the trash...

... and in the vacuum....

... and even with the dog.

I will be your companion on your travels...

... lick your tears when you cry, and war dance in celebration whenever there is joy.

I will be your best friend."

Over the years we have moved through many houses, eaten much Top Ramen, and overcome many obstacles. Thick and thin we've stuck together and made it work... even if I had to pay for your food in quarters.

Many pictures have been taken, toys destroyied, and noses held. Many accidents cleaned, messes mopped up, and baths taken.

You've made me smile.

No one can make me laugh like you do. You are the class clowns and the best cuddle bugs. I love the way you yawn after a hard play, always find your way into the most awkward of positions, and invoke lots of oooo's and ahhh's every where we go.

Maverick, you are so handsome. I remember when you were just the size of a hot dog. I carried you everywhere in my hoodie pocket (including the grocery store) and got so many compliments on how well behaved you are. You are so gentle... not even a nibble from you in your entire life. I remember when you were a baby and you'd cry your little ferret cry if I even left the room. You take care of all of our little friends... you even like the dog. When I was a young girl I used to beg my dad for a ferret... and when I got you, well, you were worth every minute of wait. And no matter how many hammocks or beds I buy you... your favorite is still an empty soda box. You are so very special and so smart... you have stolen as much of my heart as you have of my makeup.

Zoey, my sweet girl, you make me laugh like nobody's business. I love how you always want to be picked up and will gladly leap into the air to grab an offered hand... scary to strangers but endearing to those who love you. And oh how I love you. Always the first to the food but most picky about what you eat. I come home tired or stressed and see that happy face pacing the cage, waiting to play and cuddle and suddenly the whole world is bright. There is no other ferret I have met quite like Zoey-bo-boey.

You've given light to my life and everyone who knows you.

You forever have a piece of my heart.

I love you weasels... always and forever.

A touch of lonely... add Pucker and Shake*

Sometimes you just need some lovin'.

I could use that today. Its been what they call "one of those days".

It started off as any other day does. Fed the bird, rabbits, ferrets, and fish. Went to the friend's house and let out their dogs. Took a bath. Shaved my legs. Decided its time for a brazillian. Got in the car. Looked out my window.

There was my favorite little kitty friend Joey, the neighbors cat. This cat comes to see me every morning before I go to work and always starts the day off fantastically. In front of Joey are a bunch of monsterous little brats. These particular monsters were probably 5 to 7 years of age... and trying to run my beloved little friend over with their bikes... in his own yard. He runs to the porch and the kids ride after him... or attempt to. When the little boy of the pair couldn't reach the porch where Joey was at on his bike, he hops of the bike, goes to his house and promptly comes out with a HUGE glass of water. And also as promptly... dumps it over Joey's head. I yelled out my window for them to stop that and get home right now and the monsters retreat to their torturous lair. Their mom had been watching the whole time.

I must say... if I would have had an extra ten minutes I would have gotten out of the car and given both the children and the mother something to think about. But for the time, Joey was safe and I had to get going. Poor kitty.

On the way down Ward Rd., I see a long line of traffic. Must be a train, I thought. Yep. It was a train. A train that kept me sitting in traffic for almost a full hour. Stuck in the right hand lane, there was no where for me to go. At least we had something in common... we were both just sitting there. So finally I get turned around and go all the way to Kipling and on to work.

Work was okay. The day seemed like it was going a bit slow but it wasn't all bad. And even better, I have tomorrow and the next day off. Yesssssss. And now I'm home, with only some minor additional irritations under my belt. I have so much to do... all the cages need to be clean, three laundry baskets full of clothes (yes just mine) need to be washed, and the bathroom is in desperate need of a scrub brush (which is what happens when you share a bathroom with two guys that don't clean :p ). Yet here I sit.

No matter how much I organize, eat, aquire, share, or clean I just still feel so empty. Lonely. Every day is the same, insert small irritations, little surprises, and nameless faces looking for a piece, part or cable. Looking in the mirror, seeing the same tired face, round body, and frumpy clothes. Each day feeling as if something is missing. Where do you begin to look for something that you can't name?

I miss touch. I miss kindness. I miss connection. Kisses. Spark. Excitement. Accomplishment. Enrichment. Enlightenment. Fulfillment. I miss being intelligent, funny, sexy, cool, fit, beautiful. I miss having energy, goals, confidence. Not worrying about who is better or worse, what I am or am not doing, what I should or should not be doing... who I am, if I'm good enough, how I measure up or fall short... I miss being carefree.

I miss living. I miss loving. I miss being loved. And because of all of these things I can't focus on anything but the proverbial child throwing the full glass of water over my head.

It's hard to see the forrest through the trees.

But despite all of this I am lucky. I am lucky for a smart man that is sexy and intelligent that thinks I'm neat, a family that cares, friends and coworkers that appreciate all the times I'm there to help and have new and creative insight. I'm lucky for my animals who think I get up each morning and let the sun out. I'm lucky for school... which is right around the bend.

I am thankful for all of these things. So what's the problem?

The search continues, but for now, the bottom of a good glass of ice cold pucker is about all the exploring I can handle. :::sigh:::

... must be the puppy chow...

Am I all AlOnE? O.o *

I am the only one of my kind. Sometimes this is a great thing... sometimes it's, well... lonely. I'm finding the older and older that I get that I just don't understand how the minds of others work. Well... at least the minds of my peers. More and more it seems that people have no morals, no standards, no beliefs... and if you do, you're the odd man out.

Your mom and dad tell you. Your teachers tell you. Your grandparents tell you. Be wise. Be kind. Be gracious and giving. Hold yourself to a certain conduct becoming of someone of your calibur. What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.

Lately, that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing. Standing alone.

I must admit... I am not always an easy pill to swallow. I can be over emotional, over analyzing, self righteous, stubborn, and brash. But ya know... even at my worst, my very worst, I'd still rather be me than some of those I know of at their very best.

Where have everyone's minds gone? More importantly... doesn't anyone have any standards anymore? Everything is excess, self indulgence, and what's good now is good mentality. Sleeping with anyone, screwing over anyone, justifying any action... any cause without a second thought to kindness, selflessness, compassion, or integrity.

Integrity. That's a word that I haven't used in a long time but one that I deeply and dearly love. Even less than I use it these days do I find someone that has it.

Integrity: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; The state of being unimpared, soundness; the quality or condition of being undivided or whole.

"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone

No one admitting they are wrong. No kind words to strangers, or for that matter, to those you love. Earning money honestly. Taking care of your loved ones. Taking pride, vengence, and gluttony to the extreme. Selfishness, self entitlement, materialism.

I know what your thinking, "everyone has their vice and you're no different". I agree. I indulge in my emotions. I let them take me over and coherse my thoughts down a deep spiral of negativity that its hard to get out of. I get easily frustrated if my expectations have been violated. I expect people to let me down and am quick to jump on my high horse of righteousness when they do. I, as do most, have my flaws.

Flaws are not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about complete disreguard for any kind of standards, self reflection, or self restraint. I'm not religious... not even in the slightest. But if I was, I would definitely say it looks as though the devil has run amok among the 18 to 30 crowd. So many that I know drink mindlessly to excess, take outrageous amounts of mind altering substances at their leisure, sleep with anyone and everything they can with no reguard to those that may love them ... or for that matter, their own self respect in the morning. They spend money like its going out of style as if purses, shoes, and jewelry are somehow going to make up for all of the things they are lacking. They say mean things to eachother with no remorse and take any opportunity to gain the upper hand... to exact their revenge on those around them for even the smallest tresspass.

When did being smart, kind, RESPONSIBLE, generous, charitable, dedicated, loving, moral, ethical, gracious, classy, and interesting go out of style? When did surprises and laughs and jokes and presents and kind gestures stop being cool? When did being your own person, wearing your heart on your sleeve, "being beautiful on the inside", self improvement, spontinaitey, faithfulness loyalty, monogamy, and love become undesireable?

Here comes the harsh part... Jen's vice/character flaw/over thinking/bitchy/brash nature... exibit A in three... two... one...

Let me tell you something. I will fill you in on a few things that I have learned this far in my twenty three years on the planet. Listen closely, and take notes if this is your first time.

~ No matter how much you work out, how much you spend on clothes or shoes or jewelry.... no matter what cute sunglasses, bras, make up, hair color, or accessories you have or add, if you don't improve from the inside out you will still be butt ass ugly.No matter how many people you sleep with it will not fix the hole in your heart from a lack of love or lack of knowledge on how to give real true unconditional love to someone else or more importantly, to yourself. No matter how mean, tough, loud, or obnoxious you act, you will never be anything more than a scared little child if you don't deal with your past. And no matter who you are, if your spouse is going to cheat they are going to cheat... reguardless of any berating, harassing, guilting, cohersing, or tabs you keep on them. Drinking and acting like a slut then manipulating others into letting you drive home is not only not the way to "coolness", its a sure ticket to one of two places that are far less desireable... the morgue, or jail.

All good things in moderation. Love is not made to go hand and hand with obsession. A single glass is as good as a bottle. If you need a bottle, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sex should be magical, amazing, loving, kind, and spiritual. At the very least, it should be fulfilling and fun. It is none of those things, least of all fulfilling, if you can't even remember the person's last name, favorite color, age, don't know any of their previous partners, or if you cringe and hate admitting you did it the morning after. The world is full of abundance. You don't need to be selfish by taking your share, your neighbors share, their dog's share, and the share of the flee clinging to the dog's ass. If you are so oblivious that you think you're the only one your actions affect its time to buy a clue.

::sigh::

This is why I deal with animals.

...must be the puppy chow...

ImProVemeNt = HARD work*

Gooooooood morning ladies and gentlemen!

Thank GOD I don't have to be into work until one o'clock.... I definitely need some down time. Most girls will understand this but I have the whole morning after puffy eyes goin' on from all the crying I did but at least it was a worthwhile cry. My poor S.O. doesn't know what to do with his poor self when I have one of my girl meltdowns but he definitely tries.

Sometimes stress gets the best of us. Between work and home and pressure we put on ourselves, it's just too much. Then it only takes a little touch in the wrong emotional sunburn to set off the waterworks. (Side note, watching Turner and Hooch while I write this... and everytime I do it makes me want a french mastiff lol).

Improvements, especially ones of the deep seeded self kind, take a lot of work, will power, and time. I know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not supposed to be doing it. But how do I stop myself? Maybe it comes down to a lack of self control, self discipline, or just simply not knowing what to do differently. Or maybe it's a comfort thing. Even though I know what I need to do and know how to do it, it feels strange, uncomfortable, and overwhelming to do what I should but not what I'm used to. (Hooch is now running through the fish... LMAO.. ahem, sorry :) ).

Hopefully the tears from last night's cry will be the water to nourish the seeds of change.

First part of changing is knowing what needs to be changed and making a very detailed map of how to get from A to B.

Okay. I can do that.

~ Point A: Where I'm at. Hmm. In this case, where I'm at is a stressed out place of self sabatoge. Not being able to control my emotions when I need to most. Unusually low self esteem... probably from the weight gain and lack of ability to control my surroundings and the resulting extra stress that comes from both. Check.

~ The Map: What I need to do. I need to be accountable for my emotions. I need to work on positive stress management techniques and try something new. Maybe new kinds of workouts. Two birds with one stone. Yesssss. :) Bikram yoga? Sweat it out and stretch it out while working on self discipline. Excellent. Boxing? Confidence AND self discipline while working out stress with vigorous physical excercise. Nice. Working on seeing the positive in other people instead about being insecure about their presence. Boosting my self through activities that I enjoy to build up my confidence so those that I'm insecure about or disapprove of don't consume my thoughts. I rock. :)

~ Point B: The end result. More confidence and self assurance that isn't effected by external factors like the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Less stress, better coping skills when stress arises. Weight loss. Being able to state my position or problems and work on a solution for them while staying calm and composed and not taking everything so personally. Having the skills and self awareness to maintain my cool in any situation and use my intelligence and analytical skills to make the best of a situation and think about things without being consumed by them. Forgiveness. And my favorite phrase that always helps? Like water on a duck... things just roll off. :)

"So now that you've seen "the plan"... I'm gonna go... and show the plan, to someone else." (lol gotta love 10 Things I Hate About You... can always count on that movie for a good quote ;) ).

... must be the puppy chow...