Sometimes you just need some lovin'.
I could use that today. Its been what they call "one of those days".
It started off as any other day does. Fed the bird, rabbits, ferrets, and fish. Went to the friend's house and let out their dogs. Took a bath. Shaved my legs. Decided its time for a brazillian. Got in the car. Looked out my window.
There was my favorite little kitty friend Joey, the neighbors cat. This cat comes to see me every morning before I go to work and always starts the day off fantastically. In front of Joey are a bunch of monsterous little brats. These particular monsters were probably 5 to 7 years of age... and trying to run my beloved little friend over with their bikes... in his own yard. He runs to the porch and the kids ride after him... or attempt to. When the little boy of the pair couldn't reach the porch where Joey was at on his bike, he hops of the bike, goes to his house and promptly comes out with a HUGE glass of water. And also as promptly... dumps it over Joey's head. I yelled out my window for them to stop that and get home right now and the monsters retreat to their torturous lair. Their mom had been watching the whole time.
I must say... if I would have had an extra ten minutes I would have gotten out of the car and given both the children and the mother something to think about. But for the time, Joey was safe and I had to get going. Poor kitty.
On the way down Ward Rd., I see a long line of traffic. Must be a train, I thought. Yep. It was a train. A train that kept me sitting in traffic for almost a full hour. Stuck in the right hand lane, there was no where for me to go. At least we had something in common... we were both just sitting there. So finally I get turned around and go all the way to Kipling and on to work.
Work was okay. The day seemed like it was going a bit slow but it wasn't all bad. And even better, I have tomorrow and the next day off. Yesssssss. And now I'm home, with only some minor additional irritations under my belt. I have so much to do... all the cages need to be clean, three laundry baskets full of clothes (yes just mine) need to be washed, and the bathroom is in desperate need of a scrub brush (which is what happens when you share a bathroom with two guys that don't clean :p ). Yet here I sit.
No matter how much I organize, eat, aquire, share, or clean I just still feel so empty. Lonely. Every day is the same, insert small irritations, little surprises, and nameless faces looking for a piece, part or cable. Looking in the mirror, seeing the same tired face, round body, and frumpy clothes. Each day feeling as if something is missing. Where do you begin to look for something that you can't name?
I miss touch. I miss kindness. I miss connection. Kisses. Spark. Excitement. Accomplishment. Enrichment. Enlightenment. Fulfillment. I miss being intelligent, funny, sexy, cool, fit, beautiful. I miss having energy, goals, confidence. Not worrying about who is better or worse, what I am or am not doing, what I should or should not be doing... who I am, if I'm good enough, how I measure up or fall short... I miss being carefree.
I miss living. I miss loving. I miss being loved. And because of all of these things I can't focus on anything but the proverbial child throwing the full glass of water over my head.
It's hard to see the forrest through the trees.
But despite all of this I am lucky. I am lucky for a smart man that is sexy and intelligent that thinks I'm neat, a family that cares, friends and coworkers that appreciate all the times I'm there to help and have new and creative insight. I'm lucky for my animals who think I get up each morning and let the sun out. I'm lucky for school... which is right around the bend.
I am thankful for all of these things. So what's the problem?
The search continues, but for now, the bottom of a good glass of ice cold pucker is about all the exploring I can handle. :::sigh:::
... must be the puppy chow...
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