<~~~~ tired of being the dirty little secret*

<~~~~ tired of being the dirty little secret*

Current mood:determined

do you ever get that feeling that you are doing something seriously wrong and you can't quite put your finger on it? I do... 

I don't know why things are the way they are but I know that I don't like who I have become. I used to be so happy... I used to demand so much respectand never settled for less than what I thought I deserved. Somewhere along the line I gave it up and I'm not quite sure how to get it all back. Granted I'm definitely working on it but sometimes you simply wish that it was a task completed instead of a work in progress....

... there's so much I need to fix in my life right now... so much I need to figure out... I think I am at one of those crossroads in life where I'm questioning everything I thought to be true... everything I thought I stood for...everything that I am. I am starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel but i'm sure there are many spiders in the darkness. All I know is that I am tired of being walked on... tired of feeling like shit for no reason.. wait no, scratch that, I'm sick of allowing myself to let other people's thoughts have such an effect on me. Part of me is starving for something or someone to call my own and I'm sacrificing who I am for something that is not worth it. In the end all you have is yourself... and i'm not going to be treated like I'm less than any more. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being treated like i'm not good enough when most of the time the exact people that are saying that shit have no idea about the person that I really am on the inside... so i'm reverting back to the me I like much better and here's the old slogan back to service me once again... FUCK OFF. That's right. You heard me. FUCK OFF. No longer will I be anyone's dirty little secret. No longer will I fuel everyone elses ego's with the coal thats supposed to go in MY fire. Fuck that. I'm tired of being a dirty little secret, the runner up, the one that gets the shaft. Its my turn to have success and love and all the things that a hard working, giving person should have. No I'm not perfect... not even close. But I'm not going to let anyone rub their dirt on me anymore. To all of you *guys* that think i'm going to continue to kiss your ass (and there are a few of you) in hopes that you will get some booty while I'm a puppy at your feet... you can go fuck yourself. If you want me then treat me how I deserve to be treated .... shit or get off the pot. Obviously I think you are a good guy if I have you in my life but I am NOT going to give you an inch and allow you to take a mile ANYMORE! No more booty calls, no more waiting around... the old jen is back and she is not going to take this crap anymore. I am worth the very best... I am loving and giving to my family and friends... I'm kind and caring to the little dance girls that I teach ... I give myself enormously to others and I am worth an equal respecting relationship and I'm not going to take any less ANYMORE from ANYONE.

I feel better... don't you?

... must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

... I want you to know*

... I want you to know*

Current mood:contemplative

Tonight I'm feeling very mushy open and accepting...

I want you to know...

I may not be the most ladylike, the most girly, the most rich, the most thin, the most mushy, the most touchy, the most open about my feelings, the most sympathetic, the most emotional, the most flexible, the most bubbly, the most fancy, the most social, the most gentle, the most clean or the most tender...

... but I am genuine. I am true to my beliefs, I am smart and wise far beyond my years... I know what I want from the men in my life and from the girls lucky enough to be called my friends... I am giving to a fault and loyal to the death... I am the girl that will make your family my family and care for them as if they were my own...I am the girl that will hold your hand, curl up and watch movies with you but also play video games and watch monday night football... probably rooting for your least favorite team and taunting you when we win :)... I am the girl that will make sure your house is clean after a hard day's work... I am the girl that will kiss you like I mean it... I am the girl that will say what I mean and mean what I say... especially when I tell you I love you. I am the girl that will baby you when you are sick, make you laugh when you are happy, stick with you in the trenches, and make you feel important. I will call you on your bullshit as I would expect you to call me on mine.... I will make you your favorite dinner, play catch with you in the park, make you take a bath with me just so we can relax and talk about the day... I am the girl that will send you flowers AND buy you football jerseys... kiss your forehead, and steal your baseball hat... just because its yours ;) I respect  you for the man that you are and the man that you wish to become... I will support you in your passions and back your decisions up one hundred percent... we are a team in it to win it together... I will never allow us to go to bed angry... I will make sure that the things that are important to you are important to me if for no other reason than they mean something special to you...I will always tell you when something is wrong.... and I will always make it a point everyday to somehow make your life better and build your confidence... I am the girl that will only have eyes for you... I am the girl that will throw your comforter in the dryer on a cold night just to make sure you are warm... I will never shame you... never hold grudes or old events over your head... never create a situation where saying "I'm sorry" is too painful of an option...  (try) ;) not take it too personally if you are too busy to call...and never try to change the you that you are... and I am DEFINITELY the girl that will call you and say "HEY BABY GET NAKED I WILL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES!!" ;)

...but you should also know that my nephew is the love of my life... my best friends are here to stay and that I will never change my love for the Red Wings :) .... I don't drink a whole lot but I have an iron gut (however if I do happen to over do it ... please hold my hair back... its really long and I might need some help :) ) I love crotch rockets, pickles and cheese (yes together!), and never get sick of top ramen. I have a hard time admitting when I am wrong so please be patient with me as I am aware that I have this problem and I'm working on it.. please make it okay for me to come crying back to you after a fight telling you that I am wrong.. don't make me suffer for it just take me in open arms and I will do the same for you. I have a huge heart for animals and I will admit I can't resist bringing them home... mountain dew makes me a nut job but so does my Meredith so beware when the two are in combination. You have to impress my best friend John.. and you have to be nice to him (which isn't hard cuz he's awesome) because I will never leave him. You have to put up with my D's hazing (which you will get no doubt) and come to my KJ's games (in what ever sport he is playing at the time). You have to love me for me... the outgoing, giving, loving, burping, hockey playing, football loving, crotch rocket drooling, mushroom hating, italian, dance teaching, blonde wonder that I am...

...up for the challenge?...

...just thought you should know... must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

Life is a popularity contest out of control

Life is a popularity contest out of control

Current mood:irate

Ahh its another one of those days... reflective as usual... 

... I have decided that having people around is way overrated. It is as if no matter how good of a person you are you are overlooked if you are strong and don't follow the crowd.I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, don't have sex with random people, or party like an idiot so I must not be worth anything. I say FUCK THAT. That's right... completely worth theF~bomb there. Life is a popularity contest where its a constant fight to stand out in the crowd... to be liked for who you are... and most of all not to be taken advantage ofand shitted on at every turn. I'm so sick of the fake people, the drinkers, the smokers, the partiers, the homewreckers, the bitches, the players, the ho's, the doormats, the depresed, the deseperate, the horny, the single, the happy, the angry, the wreckless, the conceited, the cocky, the prissy, the dramatic, the rich, the heartless, the lazy, the selfish, the unkind, and the untrue. Did I leave anyone out? No? Okay...

... Guess in the end I'm really just sick of myself. It sucks trying to live an honest life ... living by your own rules... makes life extremely lonely sometimes...

... must be the puppy chow... what is it that you are eating?

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

I've got what it takes... FREE TO A LOVING HOME!!

I've got what it takes... FREE TO A LOVING HOME!!

Current mood:contemplative

::sigh:: Life can be so simply complicated.... confusing, I know...

I have decided that it is very difficult to think like a guy and be a girl at the same time. Most of the time there isn't a girl in me to be seen but when she comes out its a damn kodak moment... and its usually at a time that I really don't want her to come out. I love life but it feels like something is missing... a hole that no crotch rocket, booty call, puppy, football game,hundred dollar purse, or new zombie shooting video game can fill. I love being one of the guys... so many of my best moments is doing something stupid with my best guys in the world.... but then the girly needs start to come out... and not the girly needs that can be filled by a pedicure and some new sandals. I am very proud that I don't lower my standards just to be with someone... it has been almost three years now of no serious stable boyfriend and most of that has been of my own choosing. Dates are nice,booty calls are fantastic... after all you musn't forget you are talking to a pimp here ;)... but its getting to a point where its all so shallow anymore. I always am the tough guy, the protector of all of my friends... the female dr. phil always giving advice from sex (guy mind remember lol) to girly mushy lovey stuff. I definitely believe that sometimes relationships are overrated.... there is nothing wrong with being single and loving it, that has been my life for the past few years and I have grown extremely in that time. But its hard to overlook the finer things that are missing. With more than one of my friends happily pregnant and or getting married it makes me wish that I just had someone to share things with. Not quite that jump into it lets hop into bed, make some babies and put on the white dress now, but someone that I can spoil and spend time with that just loves me for me. It seems like every time I find someone that I would be interested in having something real with (which is an act of god in itself since i'm so damn picky... but hey, high standards means high quality ) things just somehow... fall short. And I have been so uninterested in having a relationship for so long (because it was a get to know myself better and do things for me thing after a very long relationship with a dirty end) that trying to have anything more than a booty call is extremely challenging... i think i have lost my touch . Its like I have forgotten how to play the game... forgot the rules completely. When to call when not to call how to act what to say... but honesty has always been a loyal friend so I can't go too wrong  ...

... there are a couple guys that could be something ... one in particular that I wish I could be closer to. He is an amazing guy... we have so much in common and he's so sweet... its been so long since I have been around a guy that actually asks about how I am or how MY DAY WENT. Things were going really awesome... lots of notes and chatting and flirtyness... it was awesome! Then all of the sudden things just... stopped. He still makes an effort to show me he cares... he still does all my goofy little surveys which totally make me me smile... but I don't know how to act. I don't want to push anything and stress him out even more... I know he has a lot going on and from what I have been told (and I quote) I shouldn't get my hopes up... he's got an ex that he is still very much attached to.  ::sigh:: Isn't that just my luck. I would love to show him how good things can be but in this life the only person you can control is yourself. I know he knows that I care for himso the only thing left to do is drop it.

Things will happen how they happen... everything happens for a reason. Patience is a virtue and I have a LOT of patience. Life is a marathon... not a sprint to the finish... everything will all pan out one way or another for the best.

Moral of the story? Its called a break up because its broken, you can only ever control you so be the best person you can be, patience is nice to have,and everything happens for a reason. 

... must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

.~*what love SHOULD be like*~.

.~*what love SHOULD be like*~.

Current mood:optimistic

Love....

...it is so funny how so often it gets stomped on, ruined, taken for granted and treated so unimportantly until you don't have it...

...I have been thinking a lot about it lately... giving my friend's advice on what they should or should not do and each time i am just reminded more and more what real love should be like as i learn from the mistakes of others and look back on the mistakes i myself have made. It remindes me why I have been single for almost three years... of my own choosing. I have been on many dates and random hook ups and sometimes i think why not just commit to someone? And then i remember... love isn't to be taken lightly... out of all things in life, love is one thing you shouldn't settle on. So i decided to gush about what i think real love should be... if for no other reason to remind myself how important standards are and how love really can be...

... love is the butterflies you get even after dating for an eternity... it is that feeling of security, knowing that if you fall there will be that someone to catch you. Love is taking care of eachother when one is sick, playing football in the park, and the ability to do nothing and be perfectly happy just being in eachother's company. Love is not going to bed angry... even if it means hours of going in circles with what looks like no end but loving enough to care. Love is investing time in things that are important to the person you love so you have a better understanding of who they are or if for no other reasonjust to make them smile... it is laying awake in bed together at night just holding hands talking about everything from the cheesy flick you just saw to philosophies on life... it is about having a relationship that is 100/100, not just 50/50. It is about knowing a persons faults and accepting them anyway as a part of that person... it is about supporting personal growth but not trying to force change, we are who we are. It is kisses in the rain AND holding her hair back when she's throwing up from the flu... it is about how cute he looks with his hat on backwards AND being his soft place to fall. Its about connecting with a person deep inside... with morals and values and geniune care, not just how hot their ass looks in those pants... It is being loved for who you are, not how you look or who you could become... but who you are as a person deep down. It is about being a team and always treating the other person's heart with kindness and care like it is a privilage to have it, not a right. It is about laying on his chest just to hear his heart beat and holding her close as to protect her from any pain. It is about respect.. it is about being humble... it is about giving and taking in an equal amount... Love is kindness, loyalty, sharing, understanding, trust, honesty, communication and working as a team... love is being wrong, yelling about it, and then being able to go back and apologize with tears in your eyes and being welcomed with open arms and comforted... not ridiculed and embarassed but understood and accepted... its about not holding grudges and remembering: we're in it together...

... no one should expect or settle for anything less...

... the search continues.. patiently waiting.. must be the puppy chow...

(see Where has Love gone?... another one of my good blogs for the feel good single ones... trust me, you deserve the best... you know who you are... i have faith that you will find "him"... just have faith in yourself... when you do, he will be worth the wait  )

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

WisE wOrdz on LOVE

WisE wOrdz on LOVE

Current mood:peaceful

One of my best friends Lanae has this on her page and i think that it is the perfect thing to remember when thinking about that someone....
                 ....in Lanae's words....

"Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lay under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who keeps your picture in his wallet, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you are just as pretty without make up.... one whose constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you... the one that turns to his friends and says "that's her."


             ...may we all find that guy...

...must be the puppy chow....

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

being alone doesn't mean lonely

being alone doesn't mean lonely

Current mood:annoyed

::sigh:: I have been thinking alot the past few days... I really don't understand people. Everyone is so afraid to be alone when really, you is all you really have anyway! I wish I could be enlightened here cuz i simply don't get it. I see all of my friends get hurt time after time and still not have enough respect for themselves to move on...

...I see my friends desperately seeking attention from the opposite sex... like some form of validation that can only be achieved by constant worrying over whats going to happen, what someone thinks of you, and how you should act to win their affection. Not just my girlfriends... but my guy friends too! And so many times I see them settle... settle for less than they deserve and never demand anything more. Its like a constant motto of "if you can't have the one you love just settle for loving the one you are with". All in the name of having someone. Do people tell themselves "well... they may not be what i want... they may not treat me very well... but at least I have someone"...? What a way to live! Is there something that I am missing? I have had enough boyfriends to know what love is and what I do and do not want and granted... having someone is nice but settling for less than? Or worse.. settling for anything at all? ::SIGH:: i don't think I will ever get it. I just think that you have to love YOURSELF and respect yourself enough to demand the most. They say that you settle only for what you think you deserve... so why don't people think they are worth more? Its just something I will never understand. I think the worst part is, I love my friends so much that I can't just say not my problem when they are hurting... i can't just say not my problem with that "special someone" has hurt them yet again... I can't just say not my problem when they are back in the same boat they themselves have jumped back into. So i ask... what do i do? and what am i missing? I feel like i'm the only person on the face of the plannet that doesn't understand that urge to have someone around all the time... is there something that i'm just not catching on to? Yes... the opposite sex is nice, cute, wonderful, and totally fun but why is everything always based on the opposite sex? Look at all that people go through just for the approval of the opposite sex. Look at the torture people put themselves through... all the sadness, drama, hassle... and for what? Maybe i have been single too long to remember what its like to want that in your life ... to remember the bonus of having all of this turmoil just to "have someone". I just believe people confuse LUST with LOVE ... lust... that is what one night stands are for. Relationships should be taken more seriously.

...Can someone give me a clue? cuz i think i'm missing the point 

...throw me a bone! ... must be the puppy chow....

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*