Sometimes you just need some lovin'.
I could use that today. Its been what they call "one of those days".
It started off as any other day does. Fed the bird, rabbits, ferrets, and fish. Went to the friend's house and let out their dogs. Took a bath. Shaved my legs. Decided its time for a brazillian. Got in the car. Looked out my window.
There was my favorite little kitty friend Joey, the neighbors cat. This cat comes to see me every morning before I go to work and always starts the day off fantastically. In front of Joey are a bunch of monsterous little brats. These particular monsters were probably 5 to 7 years of age... and trying to run my beloved little friend over with their bikes... in his own yard. He runs to the porch and the kids ride after him... or attempt to. When the little boy of the pair couldn't reach the porch where Joey was at on his bike, he hops of the bike, goes to his house and promptly comes out with a HUGE glass of water. And also as promptly... dumps it over Joey's head. I yelled out my window for them to stop that and get home right now and the monsters retreat to their torturous lair. Their mom had been watching the whole time.
I must say... if I would have had an extra ten minutes I would have gotten out of the car and given both the children and the mother something to think about. But for the time, Joey was safe and I had to get going. Poor kitty.
On the way down Ward Rd., I see a long line of traffic. Must be a train, I thought. Yep. It was a train. A train that kept me sitting in traffic for almost a full hour. Stuck in the right hand lane, there was no where for me to go. At least we had something in common... we were both just sitting there. So finally I get turned around and go all the way to Kipling and on to work.
Work was okay. The day seemed like it was going a bit slow but it wasn't all bad. And even better, I have tomorrow and the next day off. Yesssssss. And now I'm home, with only some minor additional irritations under my belt. I have so much to do... all the cages need to be clean, three laundry baskets full of clothes (yes just mine) need to be washed, and the bathroom is in desperate need of a scrub brush (which is what happens when you share a bathroom with two guys that don't clean :p ). Yet here I sit.
No matter how much I organize, eat, aquire, share, or clean I just still feel so empty. Lonely. Every day is the same, insert small irritations, little surprises, and nameless faces looking for a piece, part or cable. Looking in the mirror, seeing the same tired face, round body, and frumpy clothes. Each day feeling as if something is missing. Where do you begin to look for something that you can't name?
I miss touch. I miss kindness. I miss connection. Kisses. Spark. Excitement. Accomplishment. Enrichment. Enlightenment. Fulfillment. I miss being intelligent, funny, sexy, cool, fit, beautiful. I miss having energy, goals, confidence. Not worrying about who is better or worse, what I am or am not doing, what I should or should not be doing... who I am, if I'm good enough, how I measure up or fall short... I miss being carefree.
I miss living. I miss loving. I miss being loved. And because of all of these things I can't focus on anything but the proverbial child throwing the full glass of water over my head.
It's hard to see the forrest through the trees.
But despite all of this I am lucky. I am lucky for a smart man that is sexy and intelligent that thinks I'm neat, a family that cares, friends and coworkers that appreciate all the times I'm there to help and have new and creative insight. I'm lucky for my animals who think I get up each morning and let the sun out. I'm lucky for school... which is right around the bend.
I am thankful for all of these things. So what's the problem?
The search continues, but for now, the bottom of a good glass of ice cold pucker is about all the exploring I can handle. :::sigh:::
... must be the puppy chow...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Am I all AlOnE? O.o *
I am the only one of my kind. Sometimes this is a great thing... sometimes it's, well... lonely. I'm finding the older and older that I get that I just don't understand how the minds of others work. Well... at least the minds of my peers. More and more it seems that people have no morals, no standards, no beliefs... and if you do, you're the odd man out.
Your mom and dad tell you. Your teachers tell you. Your grandparents tell you. Be wise. Be kind. Be gracious and giving. Hold yourself to a certain conduct becoming of someone of your calibur. What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.
Lately, that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing. Standing alone.
I must admit... I am not always an easy pill to swallow. I can be over emotional, over analyzing, self righteous, stubborn, and brash. But ya know... even at my worst, my very worst, I'd still rather be me than some of those I know of at their very best.
Where have everyone's minds gone? More importantly... doesn't anyone have any standards anymore? Everything is excess, self indulgence, and what's good now is good mentality. Sleeping with anyone, screwing over anyone, justifying any action... any cause without a second thought to kindness, selflessness, compassion, or integrity.
Integrity. That's a word that I haven't used in a long time but one that I deeply and dearly love. Even less than I use it these days do I find someone that has it.
Integrity: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; The state of being unimpared, soundness; the quality or condition of being undivided or whole.
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone
No one admitting they are wrong. No kind words to strangers, or for that matter, to those you love. Earning money honestly. Taking care of your loved ones. Taking pride, vengence, and gluttony to the extreme. Selfishness, self entitlement, materialism.
I know what your thinking, "everyone has their vice and you're no different". I agree. I indulge in my emotions. I let them take me over and coherse my thoughts down a deep spiral of negativity that its hard to get out of. I get easily frustrated if my expectations have been violated. I expect people to let me down and am quick to jump on my high horse of righteousness when they do. I, as do most, have my flaws.
Flaws are not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about complete disreguard for any kind of standards, self reflection, or self restraint. I'm not religious... not even in the slightest. But if I was, I would definitely say it looks as though the devil has run amok among the 18 to 30 crowd. So many that I know drink mindlessly to excess, take outrageous amounts of mind altering substances at their leisure, sleep with anyone and everything they can with no reguard to those that may love them ... or for that matter, their own self respect in the morning. They spend money like its going out of style as if purses, shoes, and jewelry are somehow going to make up for all of the things they are lacking. They say mean things to eachother with no remorse and take any opportunity to gain the upper hand... to exact their revenge on those around them for even the smallest tresspass.
When did being smart, kind, RESPONSIBLE, generous, charitable, dedicated, loving, moral, ethical, gracious, classy, and interesting go out of style? When did surprises and laughs and jokes and presents and kind gestures stop being cool? When did being your own person, wearing your heart on your sleeve, "being beautiful on the inside", self improvement, spontinaitey, faithfulness loyalty, monogamy, and love become undesireable?
Here comes the harsh part... Jen's vice/character flaw/over thinking/bitchy/brash nature... exibit A in three... two... one...
Let me tell you something. I will fill you in on a few things that I have learned this far in my twenty three years on the planet. Listen closely, and take notes if this is your first time.
~ No matter how much you work out, how much you spend on clothes or shoes or jewelry.... no matter what cute sunglasses, bras, make up, hair color, or accessories you have or add, if you don't improve from the inside out you will still be butt ass ugly.No matter how many people you sleep with it will not fix the hole in your heart from a lack of love or lack of knowledge on how to give real true unconditional love to someone else or more importantly, to yourself. No matter how mean, tough, loud, or obnoxious you act, you will never be anything more than a scared little child if you don't deal with your past. And no matter who you are, if your spouse is going to cheat they are going to cheat... reguardless of any berating, harassing, guilting, cohersing, or tabs you keep on them. Drinking and acting like a slut then manipulating others into letting you drive home is not only not the way to "coolness", its a sure ticket to one of two places that are far less desireable... the morgue, or jail.
All good things in moderation. Love is not made to go hand and hand with obsession. A single glass is as good as a bottle. If you need a bottle, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sex should be magical, amazing, loving, kind, and spiritual. At the very least, it should be fulfilling and fun. It is none of those things, least of all fulfilling, if you can't even remember the person's last name, favorite color, age, don't know any of their previous partners, or if you cringe and hate admitting you did it the morning after. The world is full of abundance. You don't need to be selfish by taking your share, your neighbors share, their dog's share, and the share of the flee clinging to the dog's ass. If you are so oblivious that you think you're the only one your actions affect its time to buy a clue.
::sigh::
This is why I deal with animals.
...must be the puppy chow...
Your mom and dad tell you. Your teachers tell you. Your grandparents tell you. Be wise. Be kind. Be gracious and giving. Hold yourself to a certain conduct becoming of someone of your calibur. What's popular is not always right, and what's right is not always popular. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.
Lately, that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing. Standing alone.
I must admit... I am not always an easy pill to swallow. I can be over emotional, over analyzing, self righteous, stubborn, and brash. But ya know... even at my worst, my very worst, I'd still rather be me than some of those I know of at their very best.
Where have everyone's minds gone? More importantly... doesn't anyone have any standards anymore? Everything is excess, self indulgence, and what's good now is good mentality. Sleeping with anyone, screwing over anyone, justifying any action... any cause without a second thought to kindness, selflessness, compassion, or integrity.
Integrity. That's a word that I haven't used in a long time but one that I deeply and dearly love. Even less than I use it these days do I find someone that has it.
Integrity: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; The state of being unimpared, soundness; the quality or condition of being undivided or whole.
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone
No one admitting they are wrong. No kind words to strangers, or for that matter, to those you love. Earning money honestly. Taking care of your loved ones. Taking pride, vengence, and gluttony to the extreme. Selfishness, self entitlement, materialism.
I know what your thinking, "everyone has their vice and you're no different". I agree. I indulge in my emotions. I let them take me over and coherse my thoughts down a deep spiral of negativity that its hard to get out of. I get easily frustrated if my expectations have been violated. I expect people to let me down and am quick to jump on my high horse of righteousness when they do. I, as do most, have my flaws.
Flaws are not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about complete disreguard for any kind of standards, self reflection, or self restraint. I'm not religious... not even in the slightest. But if I was, I would definitely say it looks as though the devil has run amok among the 18 to 30 crowd. So many that I know drink mindlessly to excess, take outrageous amounts of mind altering substances at their leisure, sleep with anyone and everything they can with no reguard to those that may love them ... or for that matter, their own self respect in the morning. They spend money like its going out of style as if purses, shoes, and jewelry are somehow going to make up for all of the things they are lacking. They say mean things to eachother with no remorse and take any opportunity to gain the upper hand... to exact their revenge on those around them for even the smallest tresspass.
When did being smart, kind, RESPONSIBLE, generous, charitable, dedicated, loving, moral, ethical, gracious, classy, and interesting go out of style? When did surprises and laughs and jokes and presents and kind gestures stop being cool? When did being your own person, wearing your heart on your sleeve, "being beautiful on the inside", self improvement, spontinaitey, faithfulness loyalty, monogamy, and love become undesireable?
Here comes the harsh part... Jen's vice/character flaw/over thinking/bitchy/brash nature... exibit A in three... two... one...
Let me tell you something. I will fill you in on a few things that I have learned this far in my twenty three years on the planet. Listen closely, and take notes if this is your first time.
~ No matter how much you work out, how much you spend on clothes or shoes or jewelry.... no matter what cute sunglasses, bras, make up, hair color, or accessories you have or add, if you don't improve from the inside out you will still be butt ass ugly.No matter how many people you sleep with it will not fix the hole in your heart from a lack of love or lack of knowledge on how to give real true unconditional love to someone else or more importantly, to yourself. No matter how mean, tough, loud, or obnoxious you act, you will never be anything more than a scared little child if you don't deal with your past. And no matter who you are, if your spouse is going to cheat they are going to cheat... reguardless of any berating, harassing, guilting, cohersing, or tabs you keep on them. Drinking and acting like a slut then manipulating others into letting you drive home is not only not the way to "coolness", its a sure ticket to one of two places that are far less desireable... the morgue, or jail.
All good things in moderation. Love is not made to go hand and hand with obsession. A single glass is as good as a bottle. If you need a bottle, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sex should be magical, amazing, loving, kind, and spiritual. At the very least, it should be fulfilling and fun. It is none of those things, least of all fulfilling, if you can't even remember the person's last name, favorite color, age, don't know any of their previous partners, or if you cringe and hate admitting you did it the morning after. The world is full of abundance. You don't need to be selfish by taking your share, your neighbors share, their dog's share, and the share of the flee clinging to the dog's ass. If you are so oblivious that you think you're the only one your actions affect its time to buy a clue.
::sigh::
This is why I deal with animals.
...must be the puppy chow...
Monday, August 2, 2010
ImProVemeNt = HARD work*
Gooooooood morning ladies and gentlemen!
Thank GOD I don't have to be into work until one o'clock.... I definitely need some down time. Most girls will understand this but I have the whole morning after puffy eyes goin' on from all the crying I did but at least it was a worthwhile cry. My poor S.O. doesn't know what to do with his poor self when I have one of my girl meltdowns but he definitely tries.
Sometimes stress gets the best of us. Between work and home and pressure we put on ourselves, it's just too much. Then it only takes a little touch in the wrong emotional sunburn to set off the waterworks. (Side note, watching Turner and Hooch while I write this... and everytime I do it makes me want a french mastiff lol).
Improvements, especially ones of the deep seeded self kind, take a lot of work, will power, and time. I know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not supposed to be doing it. But how do I stop myself? Maybe it comes down to a lack of self control, self discipline, or just simply not knowing what to do differently. Or maybe it's a comfort thing. Even though I know what I need to do and know how to do it, it feels strange, uncomfortable, and overwhelming to do what I should but not what I'm used to. (Hooch is now running through the fish... LMAO.. ahem, sorry :) ).
Hopefully the tears from last night's cry will be the water to nourish the seeds of change.
First part of changing is knowing what needs to be changed and making a very detailed map of how to get from A to B.
Okay. I can do that.
~ Point A: Where I'm at. Hmm. In this case, where I'm at is a stressed out place of self sabatoge. Not being able to control my emotions when I need to most. Unusually low self esteem... probably from the weight gain and lack of ability to control my surroundings and the resulting extra stress that comes from both. Check.
~ The Map: What I need to do. I need to be accountable for my emotions. I need to work on positive stress management techniques and try something new. Maybe new kinds of workouts. Two birds with one stone. Yesssss. :) Bikram yoga? Sweat it out and stretch it out while working on self discipline. Excellent. Boxing? Confidence AND self discipline while working out stress with vigorous physical excercise. Nice. Working on seeing the positive in other people instead about being insecure about their presence. Boosting my self through activities that I enjoy to build up my confidence so those that I'm insecure about or disapprove of don't consume my thoughts. I rock. :)
~ Point B: The end result. More confidence and self assurance that isn't effected by external factors like the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Less stress, better coping skills when stress arises. Weight loss. Being able to state my position or problems and work on a solution for them while staying calm and composed and not taking everything so personally. Having the skills and self awareness to maintain my cool in any situation and use my intelligence and analytical skills to make the best of a situation and think about things without being consumed by them. Forgiveness. And my favorite phrase that always helps? Like water on a duck... things just roll off. :)
"So now that you've seen "the plan"... I'm gonna go... and show the plan, to someone else." (lol gotta love 10 Things I Hate About You... can always count on that movie for a good quote ;) ).
... must be the puppy chow...
Thank GOD I don't have to be into work until one o'clock.... I definitely need some down time. Most girls will understand this but I have the whole morning after puffy eyes goin' on from all the crying I did but at least it was a worthwhile cry. My poor S.O. doesn't know what to do with his poor self when I have one of my girl meltdowns but he definitely tries.
Sometimes stress gets the best of us. Between work and home and pressure we put on ourselves, it's just too much. Then it only takes a little touch in the wrong emotional sunburn to set off the waterworks. (Side note, watching Turner and Hooch while I write this... and everytime I do it makes me want a french mastiff lol).
Improvements, especially ones of the deep seeded self kind, take a lot of work, will power, and time. I know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm not supposed to be doing it. But how do I stop myself? Maybe it comes down to a lack of self control, self discipline, or just simply not knowing what to do differently. Or maybe it's a comfort thing. Even though I know what I need to do and know how to do it, it feels strange, uncomfortable, and overwhelming to do what I should but not what I'm used to. (Hooch is now running through the fish... LMAO.. ahem, sorry :) ).
Hopefully the tears from last night's cry will be the water to nourish the seeds of change.
First part of changing is knowing what needs to be changed and making a very detailed map of how to get from A to B.
Okay. I can do that.
~ Point A: Where I'm at. Hmm. In this case, where I'm at is a stressed out place of self sabatoge. Not being able to control my emotions when I need to most. Unusually low self esteem... probably from the weight gain and lack of ability to control my surroundings and the resulting extra stress that comes from both. Check.
~ The Map: What I need to do. I need to be accountable for my emotions. I need to work on positive stress management techniques and try something new. Maybe new kinds of workouts. Two birds with one stone. Yesssss. :) Bikram yoga? Sweat it out and stretch it out while working on self discipline. Excellent. Boxing? Confidence AND self discipline while working out stress with vigorous physical excercise. Nice. Working on seeing the positive in other people instead about being insecure about their presence. Boosting my self through activities that I enjoy to build up my confidence so those that I'm insecure about or disapprove of don't consume my thoughts. I rock. :)
~ Point B: The end result. More confidence and self assurance that isn't effected by external factors like the feelings, thoughts, or actions of others. Less stress, better coping skills when stress arises. Weight loss. Being able to state my position or problems and work on a solution for them while staying calm and composed and not taking everything so personally. Having the skills and self awareness to maintain my cool in any situation and use my intelligence and analytical skills to make the best of a situation and think about things without being consumed by them. Forgiveness. And my favorite phrase that always helps? Like water on a duck... things just roll off. :)
"So now that you've seen "the plan"... I'm gonna go... and show the plan, to someone else." (lol gotta love 10 Things I Hate About You... can always count on that movie for a good quote ;) ).
... must be the puppy chow...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Attitude is everything...*
Today was an excellent day at work. Sometimes that's all it takes to jump start life into function mode again. On the surface, today was like any other day. Went to pick up some stuff from another store, did some cleaning, unpacked the shipment, trained the newbie... you know, the norm. But there was a different tone. I couldn't put my finger on it... just decided to embrace it and take advantage of the energy and use it to get some things accomplished.
There was lots of laughing, lots of joking, lots of work getting done. It reminded me that I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to delegate and teach and instruct... to be the boss. Floating on the river of stress and all of the things going on I had seemingly forgotten that I have the ability to lead a team in a very excellent way. I was contemplating this point as I was cleaning the back room this afternoon and then it hit me... attitude. It was all about attitude. Not just mine, but the attitude of the collective... people following a strong leader toward a common goal. Strength, positivity, confidence, leadership.
And now as I sit here contemplating this point yet again, understanding flows faster than a stream feeding a waterfall. Life is about attitude. And those four things can make a bigger difference in your life than anything else. They create a basis... a foundation... a structure upon which to build your aspirations knowing their structure will be strong and stable.
To me, this is the ability to push through... to fight and forge forward through any adversity to get where you want to go. This means getting up in the morning when everything hurts and your body says no. This means cleaning until you are so exausted you suffer symptoms that can only be described as slight narcolepsy just trying to reach your bed. This means pushing through mental or emotional strain just to get your laundry done, driving 14 hours and hundreds of miles for work, pushing your body beyond its limits to achieve the last stretch of your morning run... and doing it with style.
Strength, positivity, confidence, leadership. Love it. ;)
Live with attitude ladies and gentlemen. And remember, the attitude you choose is the one that puts everything in place... whether good or bad is all on you.
...must be the puppy chow...
There was lots of laughing, lots of joking, lots of work getting done. It reminded me that I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to delegate and teach and instruct... to be the boss. Floating on the river of stress and all of the things going on I had seemingly forgotten that I have the ability to lead a team in a very excellent way. I was contemplating this point as I was cleaning the back room this afternoon and then it hit me... attitude. It was all about attitude. Not just mine, but the attitude of the collective... people following a strong leader toward a common goal. Strength, positivity, confidence, leadership.
And now as I sit here contemplating this point yet again, understanding flows faster than a stream feeding a waterfall. Life is about attitude. And those four things can make a bigger difference in your life than anything else. They create a basis... a foundation... a structure upon which to build your aspirations knowing their structure will be strong and stable.
To me, this is the ability to push through... to fight and forge forward through any adversity to get where you want to go. This means getting up in the morning when everything hurts and your body says no. This means cleaning until you are so exausted you suffer symptoms that can only be described as slight narcolepsy just trying to reach your bed. This means pushing through mental or emotional strain just to get your laundry done, driving 14 hours and hundreds of miles for work, pushing your body beyond its limits to achieve the last stretch of your morning run... and doing it with style.
Strength, positivity, confidence, leadership. Love it. ;)
Live with attitude ladies and gentlemen. And remember, the attitude you choose is the one that puts everything in place... whether good or bad is all on you.
...must be the puppy chow...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Where is "Someday" on the calendar?*
Okay... so today's topic for thought is time.
Life is so busy we always tend to put things off until "someday". "Someday" I will go back to school... "someday" I will get into the gym... "someday" I will have the things I want. We settle for the "for now"s in hopes that the "someday"s will just magically appear... well... "someday".
The truth is, most of our "someday"s are really "never"s. Without a plan, without commitment to getting things in our lives done now, they are simply thoughts... ideas... for what we think "someday" will hold.
I see this a lot in my life and in the lives of my dearest friends and family. We're so busy with work, or the kids, or what ever millions of things that we feel are priority right now that the things we truly want... the things that can't be completed in a moment and produce instant gratification... are often just pushed into the wrong catagory.... the to do list that never gets done.
My challenge to myself... and to all of us... is to start making a commitment to acheving our goals... our dreams... now, not "someday". There will always be some pressing matter, some daily issue, crisis, complaint, task, obstacle, or fear that can completely eat up all of our time if we let it. Life is never going to slow down, you aren't going to get more time, and there are no do overs. The only time is now, and time is one commodity you can go pick up more of with the rest of the grocery list at your local Target.
Life is so precious and dreams are truly gifts given to us to make us unique and enrich our lives if we choose to chase them. Define yourself, love life, and never use "someday" as a reason... because I've never seen "someday" on any calendar, clock, or planner. Instead... start saying Today.
... must be the puppy chow. ;) xx Jen xx
Life is so busy we always tend to put things off until "someday". "Someday" I will go back to school... "someday" I will get into the gym... "someday" I will have the things I want. We settle for the "for now"s in hopes that the "someday"s will just magically appear... well... "someday".
The truth is, most of our "someday"s are really "never"s. Without a plan, without commitment to getting things in our lives done now, they are simply thoughts... ideas... for what we think "someday" will hold.
I see this a lot in my life and in the lives of my dearest friends and family. We're so busy with work, or the kids, or what ever millions of things that we feel are priority right now that the things we truly want... the things that can't be completed in a moment and produce instant gratification... are often just pushed into the wrong catagory.... the to do list that never gets done.
My challenge to myself... and to all of us... is to start making a commitment to acheving our goals... our dreams... now, not "someday". There will always be some pressing matter, some daily issue, crisis, complaint, task, obstacle, or fear that can completely eat up all of our time if we let it. Life is never going to slow down, you aren't going to get more time, and there are no do overs. The only time is now, and time is one commodity you can go pick up more of with the rest of the grocery list at your local Target.
Life is so precious and dreams are truly gifts given to us to make us unique and enrich our lives if we choose to chase them. Define yourself, love life, and never use "someday" as a reason... because I've never seen "someday" on any calendar, clock, or planner. Instead... start saying Today.
... must be the puppy chow. ;) xx Jen xx
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
mildly random tidbits*
I am at work. Work. yes I said work.
Alone in the office... talking to my boss on the phone... enjoying the quiet... reflecting.
Its been an interesting week so far. Lots of stuff going on at work and at home... so much to do all the time and so little time to do it all.
I'm finally starting to get over being sick after two weeks of torture. Part of me is going stir crazy now that I have the energy to do things but by the time I get home to do the things that I need to do in my own life I'm too tired :P
I need to be hitting the gym... I will never meet some of my life goals without doing so but its just so hard to do that after being at work all day and having pets and people that need my attention... its all excuses. All of it. If I have time to watch even an hour of TV a night I have time to go to the gym (which is less than a block away might I add).. I just can't make myself go. Granted its hard to go and run when you are stuffed up with a headache but you know what they say... winners are winners because they do things that losers won't. :::SIGH:::
Did a little tanning today at an actual salon ... it was a splurge.... and it was amazing. It makes me remember how much I truly miss having the tanning salon... and motivates me to make a whole lot of money so I can have one again someday. At least for now I will have to settle for new bulbs for the one we have... gotta work on that :) ...
Had this little noodle steamer thing for lunch... the one that it says it comes with its own strainer deal. It was good... sauce coulda been a bit better... but good for coming out of the microwave.
...Found out that writers make a lot of money! I need to go into that business... my boss' writer made 125.00 off of us to write a bio on the company :O and usually he charges closer to 500.00 but my boss is a killer negotiator :)
... i can ride my bike with no handlebars... no handlebars... no handlebars...
Alone in the office... talking to my boss on the phone... enjoying the quiet... reflecting.
Its been an interesting week so far. Lots of stuff going on at work and at home... so much to do all the time and so little time to do it all.
I'm finally starting to get over being sick after two weeks of torture. Part of me is going stir crazy now that I have the energy to do things but by the time I get home to do the things that I need to do in my own life I'm too tired :P
I need to be hitting the gym... I will never meet some of my life goals without doing so but its just so hard to do that after being at work all day and having pets and people that need my attention... its all excuses. All of it. If I have time to watch even an hour of TV a night I have time to go to the gym (which is less than a block away might I add).. I just can't make myself go. Granted its hard to go and run when you are stuffed up with a headache but you know what they say... winners are winners because they do things that losers won't. :::SIGH:::
Did a little tanning today at an actual salon ... it was a splurge.... and it was amazing. It makes me remember how much I truly miss having the tanning salon... and motivates me to make a whole lot of money so I can have one again someday. At least for now I will have to settle for new bulbs for the one we have... gotta work on that :) ...
Had this little noodle steamer thing for lunch... the one that it says it comes with its own strainer deal. It was good... sauce coulda been a bit better... but good for coming out of the microwave.
...Found out that writers make a lot of money! I need to go into that business... my boss' writer made 125.00 off of us to write a bio on the company :O and usually he charges closer to 500.00 but my boss is a killer negotiator :)
... i can ride my bike with no handlebars... no handlebars... no handlebars...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Life's Natural Overflow*
I always feel like when I was little I was taught that it was better to watch out for other people and put their needs above your own. To do or have something for yourself, whether that be time or things or people, you were most certainly taking something from someone else and that was selfish. Contradictorally, I was also taught that the only person you can count on is you and its a dog eat dog world... if you don't step up and take what's yours... someone else will.
So from this I'm sure you can see that I am one huge walking contradiction.
Every area of my life is dictated by this fear of success that stems from worrying about the needs of others. If I succeed... someone must fail. If I am happy... someone has to be sad. If I win... someone must lose. But what kind of a life does that make for me? I always thought "better me to suffer than them... I'm strong, I will be just fine without it and it will make them so happy... taking it for myself would be a selfish thing to do". No matter what that "it" was and how much "it" might make my life better or make me happy... no matter how much I wanted or worked for or earned "it"... I'd gladly give it up to make someone else happy. This small character flaw turned into a motivator of everything I did... and even started translating in my own mind that if I did take what I wanted it was down right DISRESPECTFUL to someone else that wanted it. It started out with little things... like not taking the last soda so that my dad would be happy he could have it and as big as if I show how smart I am and get the good grades then someone else might be sad about how they did. Stupid as it sounds, it made me happy to see the happiness that was brought to the people I gave things up to. I think that giving is one of the most amazing things in the world that you can do from someone else. I still do.
But where the disfunctional thinking comes in is that deep down I have always believed for that for me, it wasn't truly giving unless I was sacrificing. I never used to negotiate or ask for anything. I never would step up and take what I had worked for. It always felt more right to give the things that I love to others. A cop out? I think so.
Why? Because I love to give to people and logically, I know that I can give to others and still have what I want... but emotionally... the fear of hurting others or making others jealous of any success I may have cripples me. Fear of success. My confidence level is also at a level that just isn't conducive to the life that I would like to have because I never think that I have the ability to make the right decision... especially about the big stuff.
Fear of Success + Having all the tools needed to succeed + Fear of Making the Wrong decisions - willingness to take the risk - willingness to hurt others = Stupidity
They say that you can only truly take care of and be loved by others by first giving the same to yourself. While it goes against my nature to believe this I'm very quickly finding that its true. You can still love and give to others and be a great person without having to suffer and in fact when you do this... everything you want just falls in line. Focusing on our own problems and our own wants is just naturally attractive... not only to other people but to our dreams and our desires. When you focus on you, you don't have to take from anyone... there's an abundance of the things you need that is drawn to you. And you are given that abundance so that you can fill your glass AND the glass of someone else.
The moral of my story? By focusing on your own life and the things you can control without doing so selfishly, the things you want will come to you ten fold so that not only can you have the things that you want but you can help others achieve the same.
...must be the puppy chow... ;)
So from this I'm sure you can see that I am one huge walking contradiction.
Every area of my life is dictated by this fear of success that stems from worrying about the needs of others. If I succeed... someone must fail. If I am happy... someone has to be sad. If I win... someone must lose. But what kind of a life does that make for me? I always thought "better me to suffer than them... I'm strong, I will be just fine without it and it will make them so happy... taking it for myself would be a selfish thing to do". No matter what that "it" was and how much "it" might make my life better or make me happy... no matter how much I wanted or worked for or earned "it"... I'd gladly give it up to make someone else happy. This small character flaw turned into a motivator of everything I did... and even started translating in my own mind that if I did take what I wanted it was down right DISRESPECTFUL to someone else that wanted it. It started out with little things... like not taking the last soda so that my dad would be happy he could have it and as big as if I show how smart I am and get the good grades then someone else might be sad about how they did. Stupid as it sounds, it made me happy to see the happiness that was brought to the people I gave things up to. I think that giving is one of the most amazing things in the world that you can do from someone else. I still do.
But where the disfunctional thinking comes in is that deep down I have always believed for that for me, it wasn't truly giving unless I was sacrificing. I never used to negotiate or ask for anything. I never would step up and take what I had worked for. It always felt more right to give the things that I love to others. A cop out? I think so.
Why? Because I love to give to people and logically, I know that I can give to others and still have what I want... but emotionally... the fear of hurting others or making others jealous of any success I may have cripples me. Fear of success. My confidence level is also at a level that just isn't conducive to the life that I would like to have because I never think that I have the ability to make the right decision... especially about the big stuff.
Fear of Success + Having all the tools needed to succeed + Fear of Making the Wrong decisions - willingness to take the risk - willingness to hurt others = Stupidity
They say that you can only truly take care of and be loved by others by first giving the same to yourself. While it goes against my nature to believe this I'm very quickly finding that its true. You can still love and give to others and be a great person without having to suffer and in fact when you do this... everything you want just falls in line. Focusing on our own problems and our own wants is just naturally attractive... not only to other people but to our dreams and our desires. When you focus on you, you don't have to take from anyone... there's an abundance of the things you need that is drawn to you. And you are given that abundance so that you can fill your glass AND the glass of someone else.
The moral of my story? By focusing on your own life and the things you can control without doing so selfishly, the things you want will come to you ten fold so that not only can you have the things that you want but you can help others achieve the same.
...must be the puppy chow... ;)
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