like an altered puzzle piece trying to fit back where it went*

like an altered puzzle piece trying to fit back where it went*

Current mood:blah

::yawn:: what a shitty day outside huh? lol

Things are weird lately. Don't really know what's been going on. I feel like I dropped off of the face of the earth for so long that now... trying to get back to being happy and spending time with people that i used to adore... i just don't fit where I used to. I used to be healthy and happy... good shape... cute... outgoing... the life of the party. And now it feels like i've been in my own little world so long that I don't know how to be in everyone elses. Its kind of like I have just woken up from a looooooooooong sleep and everything has changed. I miss being apart of the group... having plans all the time... just being happy. I think its going to take more effort to get back to that place than I anticipated....  but hopefully it will be worth it. It kinda just feels like every time i'm about to make ends meet... someone moves the ends. ::SIGH:: well you know what they say... the hardest part about life is living it.

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

:(... i think this is really bothering me... what is classy anyway?*

:(... i think this is really bothering me... what is classy anyway?*

Current mood:worried

okay so its official... jason and i's fight really bothered me.

I can't stop thinking about it... what is classy anyway? I mean I know that a clean well mannered well dressed girl is classy... but if i'm not those does that mean i'm not classy? and doesn't classy mean submissive and boring? ::SIGH:: any girl that i have ever met that has been called "classy" was always a girl that i would never want to be like. Sure I could take more care of myself, wear better clothes... but that wouldn't change who I am. I could stop cussing... that's not really apart of what makes me me... but ya know... you can only compromise so much until you start compromising the things that make you you. I mean I may not be what you would call classy... but that doesn't mean i'm not polite, that doesn't mean i don't have manners, it doesn't mean that i don't carry myself well or that I don't have any beauty to me... does it? I think i might be obsessing about this a tad but it really got me... not that he said it... it just makes me wonder what others think of me... if how i act keeps them from seeing my good points.  So what do I do? Can I be more ladylike... be more "classy" and still be me? And if so... how? Geez how frustrating this mess is. Damn Jason sheesh.

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

the one that got away.*

the one that got away.*

Current mood:crappy

Pain.

Not sharp, but the dull, constant throbbing of a broken heart never mended.

You never judged me. You accepted me for who I was.... I never had to impress you, you just loved me for me. I miss you.

I miss the days when I was respected... treasured...

I miss the days when I was loved and cherished...

I think about you all the time. My heart aches with the thought that there will never be another one like you. Tears sting my eyes when I think of what could have been... when I look at where I am now.

No one is there to hold me when I cry. No one is there to tell me that I'm beautiful even in my sweats. No one is there to run their fingers through my hair, kiss my forehead, or tuck me in when I'm sick. It scares me to think that you were it for me. And yet, here I sit tonight, tears streaming down my face... thinking of all I have lost in you. Thinking of all the others I have been seeing who just don't compare... who just don't care enough to see that I'm more than just a good piece of ass... who don't see how much I really have to offer.

You did.

You always did.

From the moment that I met you.

You always had an unwaivering faith in me... even when I didn't have faith in myself. You always told me that I was smart... even when I screwed things up. You always told me how beautiful I was... even after gaining a few extra now and then. I miss you. You were everything I ever wanted and more.

You will never see this... you will never know. But I do. I know. And I hope that even though you will never see this you always know what an impact you had on my life. I hope you know that I love you.... and I hope you know that you set a higher standard for me... by which I hold up all others. I haven't found one that stacks up yet... but who knows, maybe one day. But for now... all I have is the memories of what love used to be... what good men used to look like... and what I truly deserve to have. And for this I thank you... for this has made me want the best and even more so, know what the best truly looks like.

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

untitled*... a piss ass bad day...

untitled*... a piss ass bad day...

Current mood:cold

Have you ever felt like there's a lump in your throat
that never goes away
like you're on the brink of a meltdown any second
of every single day.
Like the sun is going to set today
never again to rise
like you've spent all your time not dying to live
but simply living to die.
What used to be so important
now just dust dancing in the breeze
musings of what you could have had
like a deep and painful tease.
Regrets of things you once had done
and regrets of whats to come
taunting what~if's of how it would be
if you'd done a better job.
Reminders all around you
of delights beyond your reach
secrets everyone seems to have
but have been unwilling to teach.
Your back mudied with footprints
from being a door~mat for so long
now no longer wash away
and keep you from moving on.
You hide away in spite of yourself
missing out on even more
skipping things you would have done
just a couple of years before.
You let yourself go, thinking
meh it doesnt matter
and before you know it youre not even yourself
just an empty base without a batter.
A world apart from all the rest
on the outside looking in
you wonder if life will ever be the same,
if the sun will rise again.
Your heart feels like its broken
and then you realize once again
that life doesn't make you its victim
you chose that in the end.
You've chosen to spend time not dying to live
simply living to die
you've chosen to let the important things go
and the regrets you have come to live by.
You've chosen to take the good things
as delights out of your reach
You've chosen not to learn the lessons,
ignored those who tried to teach.
You choose to be the door mat
and choose not to move on
you choose to hide yourself away
from things you could have done.
You've chosen to let yourself go
and be on the outside looking in,
but the news here now is more good than bad
choose to start again.
Choose to fix all the regrets you've had
and make it all anew,
be the very best you can be
and let the sun shine through...


its been a bad day... hopefully the sun will rise tomorrow and I'll get a do over :/

... must have been the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

<~~~~ tired of being the dirty little secret*

<~~~~ tired of being the dirty little secret*

Current mood:determined

do you ever get that feeling that you are doing something seriously wrong and you can't quite put your finger on it? I do... 

I don't know why things are the way they are but I know that I don't like who I have become. I used to be so happy... I used to demand so much respectand never settled for less than what I thought I deserved. Somewhere along the line I gave it up and I'm not quite sure how to get it all back. Granted I'm definitely working on it but sometimes you simply wish that it was a task completed instead of a work in progress....

... there's so much I need to fix in my life right now... so much I need to figure out... I think I am at one of those crossroads in life where I'm questioning everything I thought to be true... everything I thought I stood for...everything that I am. I am starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel but i'm sure there are many spiders in the darkness. All I know is that I am tired of being walked on... tired of feeling like shit for no reason.. wait no, scratch that, I'm sick of allowing myself to let other people's thoughts have such an effect on me. Part of me is starving for something or someone to call my own and I'm sacrificing who I am for something that is not worth it. In the end all you have is yourself... and i'm not going to be treated like I'm less than any more. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being treated like i'm not good enough when most of the time the exact people that are saying that shit have no idea about the person that I really am on the inside... so i'm reverting back to the me I like much better and here's the old slogan back to service me once again... FUCK OFF. That's right. You heard me. FUCK OFF. No longer will I be anyone's dirty little secret. No longer will I fuel everyone elses ego's with the coal thats supposed to go in MY fire. Fuck that. I'm tired of being a dirty little secret, the runner up, the one that gets the shaft. Its my turn to have success and love and all the things that a hard working, giving person should have. No I'm not perfect... not even close. But I'm not going to let anyone rub their dirt on me anymore. To all of you *guys* that think i'm going to continue to kiss your ass (and there are a few of you) in hopes that you will get some booty while I'm a puppy at your feet... you can go fuck yourself. If you want me then treat me how I deserve to be treated .... shit or get off the pot. Obviously I think you are a good guy if I have you in my life but I am NOT going to give you an inch and allow you to take a mile ANYMORE! No more booty calls, no more waiting around... the old jen is back and she is not going to take this crap anymore. I am worth the very best... I am loving and giving to my family and friends... I'm kind and caring to the little dance girls that I teach ... I give myself enormously to others and I am worth an equal respecting relationship and I'm not going to take any less ANYMORE from ANYONE.

I feel better... don't you?

... must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

... I want you to know*

... I want you to know*

Current mood:contemplative

Tonight I'm feeling very mushy open and accepting...

I want you to know...

I may not be the most ladylike, the most girly, the most rich, the most thin, the most mushy, the most touchy, the most open about my feelings, the most sympathetic, the most emotional, the most flexible, the most bubbly, the most fancy, the most social, the most gentle, the most clean or the most tender...

... but I am genuine. I am true to my beliefs, I am smart and wise far beyond my years... I know what I want from the men in my life and from the girls lucky enough to be called my friends... I am giving to a fault and loyal to the death... I am the girl that will make your family my family and care for them as if they were my own...I am the girl that will hold your hand, curl up and watch movies with you but also play video games and watch monday night football... probably rooting for your least favorite team and taunting you when we win :)... I am the girl that will make sure your house is clean after a hard day's work... I am the girl that will kiss you like I mean it... I am the girl that will say what I mean and mean what I say... especially when I tell you I love you. I am the girl that will baby you when you are sick, make you laugh when you are happy, stick with you in the trenches, and make you feel important. I will call you on your bullshit as I would expect you to call me on mine.... I will make you your favorite dinner, play catch with you in the park, make you take a bath with me just so we can relax and talk about the day... I am the girl that will send you flowers AND buy you football jerseys... kiss your forehead, and steal your baseball hat... just because its yours ;) I respect  you for the man that you are and the man that you wish to become... I will support you in your passions and back your decisions up one hundred percent... we are a team in it to win it together... I will never allow us to go to bed angry... I will make sure that the things that are important to you are important to me if for no other reason than they mean something special to you...I will always tell you when something is wrong.... and I will always make it a point everyday to somehow make your life better and build your confidence... I am the girl that will only have eyes for you... I am the girl that will throw your comforter in the dryer on a cold night just to make sure you are warm... I will never shame you... never hold grudes or old events over your head... never create a situation where saying "I'm sorry" is too painful of an option...  (try) ;) not take it too personally if you are too busy to call...and never try to change the you that you are... and I am DEFINITELY the girl that will call you and say "HEY BABY GET NAKED I WILL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES!!" ;)

...but you should also know that my nephew is the love of my life... my best friends are here to stay and that I will never change my love for the Red Wings :) .... I don't drink a whole lot but I have an iron gut (however if I do happen to over do it ... please hold my hair back... its really long and I might need some help :) ) I love crotch rockets, pickles and cheese (yes together!), and never get sick of top ramen. I have a hard time admitting when I am wrong so please be patient with me as I am aware that I have this problem and I'm working on it.. please make it okay for me to come crying back to you after a fight telling you that I am wrong.. don't make me suffer for it just take me in open arms and I will do the same for you. I have a huge heart for animals and I will admit I can't resist bringing them home... mountain dew makes me a nut job but so does my Meredith so beware when the two are in combination. You have to impress my best friend John.. and you have to be nice to him (which isn't hard cuz he's awesome) because I will never leave him. You have to put up with my D's hazing (which you will get no doubt) and come to my KJ's games (in what ever sport he is playing at the time). You have to love me for me... the outgoing, giving, loving, burping, hockey playing, football loving, crotch rocket drooling, mushroom hating, italian, dance teaching, blonde wonder that I am...

...up for the challenge?...

...just thought you should know... must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

Life is a popularity contest out of control

Life is a popularity contest out of control

Current mood:irate

Ahh its another one of those days... reflective as usual... 

... I have decided that having people around is way overrated. It is as if no matter how good of a person you are you are overlooked if you are strong and don't follow the crowd.I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, don't have sex with random people, or party like an idiot so I must not be worth anything. I say FUCK THAT. That's right... completely worth theF~bomb there. Life is a popularity contest where its a constant fight to stand out in the crowd... to be liked for who you are... and most of all not to be taken advantage ofand shitted on at every turn. I'm so sick of the fake people, the drinkers, the smokers, the partiers, the homewreckers, the bitches, the players, the ho's, the doormats, the depresed, the deseperate, the horny, the single, the happy, the angry, the wreckless, the conceited, the cocky, the prissy, the dramatic, the rich, the heartless, the lazy, the selfish, the unkind, and the untrue. Did I leave anyone out? No? Okay...

... Guess in the end I'm really just sick of myself. It sucks trying to live an honest life ... living by your own rules... makes life extremely lonely sometimes...

... must be the puppy chow... what is it that you are eating?

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*