:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

:SIGH: sometimes, words just won’t do*

Current mood:frustrated

ya know, there are times when you just feel... ick. Like a smothering, frustrating, gut wrenching just wanna cry for no reason yuck.

Today is a great day for ick.

Haven't had a shower. Don't even care. Been looking for new job stuff all day. Nothing good. Dog being clingy like crazy. Frustrating. Money going out, none coming in... the worst.

I'm not completely sure why but the last few days I've started reverting back into my little hole. Probably because there are a whole bunch of things that I don't want to hear anymore, don't want to deal with anymore, and plain just want to forget. Life is so rewarding and yet, completely an exercise in futility most of the time.

Where has my positive outlook gone? I'm not sure but the past two or three days I've looked and looked and looked and can't find it anywhere. Hopefully it will come back soon because I've been doing so good... and its sorely missed.

I guess I'm going through one of those quarter life crisis moments where you look at where you are and wonder how you got here. You had so many great plans for yourself. Great goals. What happened?!

Life happened.

Life rarely goes as planned I've noticed. I've also noticed that I'm so jealous of those that seem to have it so easy. It feels like I'm alone in the world fighting it out sometimes... and I hate it. There is nothing worse than feeling like you weren't prepared for this... like you wish you could go back in time and do a better job. I was out on my own early... and I guess I should be proud that I've made it this long. A lot of people my age either still live with their parents or have to lean on their boyfriend or girlfriend to survive otherwise right back to mom and dads. I've done it. I'm out on my own, relying on myself to get by. I will admit that I have had a little help from someone that knows much more than I about surviving in the financial world... and i'm doing a lot better in my own money river because of it. HOWEVER, the money river has always run pretty shallow... and now it feels as though its starting to dry up without hope for a winter melt to replenish it.

I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of wearing ratty jeans, eating cheap processed HORRIBLY bad for me food, and never being able to go get a new purse or perfume without feeling sick to my stomach with guilt. Because its bill money. Everything is bill money. Money that isn't even my money yet is bill money. I definitely wish I knew at 18 what I now know at 21.... I think I would be in a lot better place monitarily, never would have gotten myself in such a hole.

I'm in need of a life makeover.

Its not that i'm not happy with my life necessarily, but i feel like i've made some pretty not so great mistakes. I feel this overwhelming need to sell off or throw away everything I own... including my poor pets who don't get near the attention they used to or should. So much needs to be done... and it seems like this is the best time to get things where they need to be... I have more than enough time on my hands at the moment (unfortunately ). Nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Especially the things I want.

Hard work definitely is something I'm good at. And I think that my life is in need of a lot of it. I'm antsy, I'm irritable, and I think its because things aren't going how I want them to.. or how I think they should based on how much I've done.

Nothing comes fast enough these days. My once runneth over cup of patience is almost bone dry. Not my honey, not the weight loss, not the tan or the job or the money. Not the house, not the car, not the end result.

Life is about the journey. Life is about possibilities.

.:*Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming*:.

Although through all this bitching... there is a silver lining....

My Red Wings are about to win the Stanley Cup 

~... must be the puppy chow... ~

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

untitled*

untitled*

I couldn't think of a fun title tonight which is very rare for me. I guess you could say that I'm in more of a reflective mood than a creative one. What does it mean to be strong? What does it mean to be sexy and confident ... And what happens when you lose that appeal? I can honestly say that there are a lot of different views on what is attractive but a lot of it comes from our instincts. You see, nature is a matter of survival of the fittest. Its hard wired into our brains so much so that it affects a lot of things that we don't even know it has an effect on. Attraction is no exception. Let's think about it... The strong, the healthy... Mentally, physically, and emotionally are the ones that are often what our basic instincts desire. The smart, the agile survive. Sure the criteria get more detailed and advanced when you're looking at the details of attraction. But the overall picture remains that our hard wiring tells us to seek the most healthy, the most strong, the most intelligent because that is what furthers the species. But what happens when you are among the flawed... The sick, the weak mentally, emotionally or physically? Either you adapt or you die so to speak. And I think that is part of what can kill an attraction over time. We start to see the flaws, the imperfections, and the weaknesses. Some of us run, allowing ourselves to run away because the one we chose isn't perfect, isn't what we pictured, isn't what we think we deserve. We delve into shallowness, thinking that to survive we must have the best of the best. Then there are others, who chose the weak, hoping we can strengthen them, change them into something elite, save them. Lastly there are the very few of us who are able to push past, mature, and see that there is no perfect person with no flaws... It doesn't exist. But we can see that there is the healthy, the intelligent, the strong, in every person. My point here is that being mature, being wise means to accept changes, accept that no one is perfect, and attach what your meaning of attraction is to the beauty of the mind, the beauty of the soul, and the beauty of ones uniqueness. Individuality is a great gift, instead of looking for what you think you should be look for the inspiring, the driven, the amazingly magnificent. You won't believe what you're missing... And will regret what you let go in the interest of the meaningless... The shallow... The petty. You will never find unconditionally love and companionship until you have opened your heart, let go of what you think you know... The misconceptions of the perfect mate you once held on to and give of yourself to experiences that will expose you to the greater picture... To the meaning of what it means to be human.*

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

I’ve made it....21*

I’ve made it....21*

Current mood:accomplished

If I've said it once i've said it a thousand times...

life is beautiful.

I can't believe I made it. There were lots of bets that I wouldn't  ... especially because of all the stupid shit i've done to get here. But its truly amazing how your eyes can be opened, and you'd be amazed at how much you've changed since your last "big birthday". The people that have helped to shape the person you are now... the events that bring both laughter and tears. How the time has flown.

Memories. Treasures that give your life sparkle and add meaning to times you'd least expect. I've come to realize that in life its not about the end result... not about the destination but about the journey. Its not about the petty fights, not about being busy or stressed... its about handling it the right way to preserve your friendships, your heart, the greater good, and most of all your sanity.

Its about trying to remember that its not about being right, its about being happy.

Dont sweat the petty stuff... and dont pet the sweaty stuff. Scratch that... sweaty stuff is fun... pet away. 

I look around and think back and realize how truly lucky i have been. Granted... not all of it was luck... hard work can get you far. But the people i have been so lucky to share my life with... that was luck. So, in the interest of passing on just a few of the things i've learned (the hard way, the easy way, and just plain dumb tripped upon) from the people that help to make me... me.

It never hurts to be silly.. and there is no such thing as a stupid question...

...if it makes someone laugh it was worth it. Extra points if you can laugh at yourself.

Time heals all.

Your best friends are invaluable, inventive, and ten times smarter than you think they are. Best friends are the quintessential 20/20 hindsight before you have to use your own.

Listen to your mother.

Money problems aren't solved with money. Money is only money.

Taking risks are the only way grow. But make sure to water your plants.

Drag Queen hairstylists get very pissed at you when you color your hair "out of the box".

Motorcycles don't like medians.

Nothing beats falling asleep with your best friend after taco bell and a movie.

You have the power to make all of your dreams come true.

Hard work and determination can get you every where you want to go...

...make the most of the time you have with those you love.

Love unconditionally.

The older you get the more thankful you will be to have those around who knew you when you were young.

Don't hold things over other people's heads. All that happens is that the things you thought gave you the upper hand and control have only turned into a noose by which you hang only yourself.

You never know what you have until its gone... like pickles, cheese, vanilla coke, and hairspray bands.

With all this information and all these years under my belt I feel like its time to make a difference. A difference in the lifes of others, in my own life. Undo wrongs that have been done. I'm always amazed at what happens when you take pride in the good things but keep pride from making things bad. Its never too late to do the right thing. There's no better time then now. Be all you can be. Do the best you can for all you can when ever you can.

You always have a choice.

21 YEARS BABY!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOO!

...must be the puppy chow.

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

natural beauty*

natural beauty*

Current mood:thoughtful

I sit here currently smelly and tired but accomplished.

I look at the bulletin board in front of me... filled with pictures from times in life where no words could express the emotions of the moment... when only a picture would do. Pictures old and new of people come and gone... yet each one made an impact. Pictures of playing video games with an old love, wrestling pictures with an ex best friend, drunken hot tub hospitality, sweet little nephews, and high school dances. In these pictures a theme is reflected... my life has been beautiful.

Sometimes life can be over whelming. The bad things creep up on you and soon you forget what that life is all about living. Plants don't grow without sunshine AND rain... so is life. Life goes through seasons both physically and mentally... and sometimes you go through a season that feels as if its all rain. The problem arises when you let those rainy days cloud out the sunny ones... refusing to see that the rain has passed and you've made it into the light.

I feel as though I've just waken up from a very long sleep and in doing so realize that I haven't been living the past few years... simply going bitterly through the motions. I have so much to be thankful for... so many things I have wanted and worked for have come full circle. But with every action there's a price.

My price has been a large one.

For a long time I just couldn't see it. The rain had been pouring so hard in my life that I couldn't see through it.. couldn't see the pain I was causing not only myself but the people that meant the most to me as well. And by the time I made it through the other side, some of those relationships have been damaged what feels like beyond repair. A relationship that helped to make me who I am... a relationship I've never had to live without.

In a war... there are many casualties... including wars that you have with yourself.

Because you see, whether you think you effect others or not... you do. Some will stick by you, riding out the rough waters. Some will distance themselves, loving from a distance until the ride becomes smoother. And others will call game over, and walk away forever.

Everyone makes a choice. People do the best they can with what they have. Yes, the pain of another's decision can be astounding. You can't help but think of the memories you shared, the love you felt, and the bond you shared. You can't help but feel the sting of their absence... never having been without them... wondering if they feel it too. But there are things that you cannot control. Things that despite the desperation you may feel to pull or push or grasp for any small chance to keep that small thread by which that person links to you... in the end, you have to let go.

Life has its way of creating balance... tipping the scales until an equilibrium is reached. Sometimes the things that it drops off have a lot of weight in your life... a lot of meaning, a lot of love, a lot of history. The scales are constantly trying to balance throughout life... someday that weight may be thrown back onto the scale of your life to balance something else out in the future. It may not. But either way you can only deal with what your scale has on it now... and value the many treasures you have gained. Appreciate life, despite what feels like a devistating loss.

There is strength in forgiveness.

We all go through times in life where we have been the source of someone else's pain... times when we have been the rock that upsets an otherwise peaceful pond. We also go through times when our pond has been upset by someone else's rock. But there is power in forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the pain you feel you have caused yourself... the losses you have incured because of your own actions. Forgiving others for the things that they have done to ripple the pond... knowing that we all are simply human... no one can win them all.

Keep your head up... enjoy life... see the beauty all around you. Don't dwell on what you have lost... hope that one day it will once again be found, be salvaged, but don't let your rain block out your sunshine. Appreciate the love that is given to you for it is the most beautiful gift you will ever be given. Give love generously to those who are worthy of it. Show your appreciation for the love you receive and remember the value of each individual in your own life. Respect people... remeber that everyone has someone to teach you.

And embrace the sunshine. Seeing the beauty of a day where the sunset brightly lights a soft shower of rain makes life worth living. Laughter through tears. And remember... you are the best thing you have to give and the best thing you'll ever have. You won't always be for everyone, but those who see the value you possess you have the power to make an impact on their life... more so, love them for the impact they make on yours.


... must be the puppy chow...

2008 LADIES OF SPORTBIKES.NET CALENDAR!!! I’M OCTOBER, PICK ONE UP FOR CHARITY!!!*

2008 LADIES OF SPORTBIKES.NET CALENDAR!!! I’M OCTOBER, PICK ONE UP FOR CHARITY!!!*

Current mood:excited

hey guys! the beautiful girls of SBN have come together to raise money for charity with a 2008 Calendar. Tammy aka "Acalliste" (december) did an amazing job... please pick one up! Make sure you comment me to let me know you got one!

Thanks guys!! :D you can order through the link below :)

2008 Ladies of Sportbikes.net Calendar

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

FuCk tHe MeN leT’s dRinK to Us... Part 2*

FuCk tHe MeN leT’s dRinK to Us... Part 2*

Current mood:thankful

I should be in bed. I should be sleeping. I'm not.

I propose a toast... again. (this is part two. the original was written over a year ago and i'm amazed how much my life has changed...and its always good to remind yourself of what you're thankful for) 

...to stinky little snakes with legs who make your apartment smell horrible...

...to not being able to smell that stink... 

...to realizing your life is in transition, and looking forward to what's ahead...

...to that pang of jealousy that lets you know you care...

...to the bite mark bruises on the back of your arm...

...to peaches...

...to taco bell hot sauce being the best on any type of food...

...to growing up...

...to new chapters in life...

...to realizing you never needed them as much as you thought...

...to missing them all the same.

...to lime green hummers... 

...to secrets...

...to pretty white carpets spilled on by strange tea from sonic...

...to down comforters...

...to cuddling...

...to us...

...to sleeping late... 

...to letting go...

...to playing guitar hero all night long with your second dad...

...to your little sisters being your best friends, your entertainment, and the ones who always eat the last of your cajun chicken top ramen...

...to the pussy posse, rokkit girls, chic riders, womin x, and sick girls...

...to the female riders that represent every day...

...to road rash...

...to gear...

...to how she looks in the sun after she's just been polished...

...even better... to how she looks under parking lot lights at night...

...to her scratches...

...to late night rides together where its so cold you feel like you are going to fall asleep and never wake up... but wouldn't wish to be anywhere else...

...to ant killer... 

...to realize that hating her doesn't make her go away...

...to being the only dork in the sportbike community that refuses to get rid of her fender...

...to that first ride alone...

...to long hot motorcycle safety courses... and to being the only one who didn't drop the bike...

...to Woody's hot wings for every meal you can...

...to living across the hall from an old friend...

...to old friends...

...to the texas longhorns and that wonderful orange color that never gets old...

...to being independent...

...to learning...

...to amazing yourself with the things you can do...

...to letting go...

...to boucing back...

...to sitting on the carpet of your apartment... watching robin williams and eating hot wings with your favorite wife...

...to big bear...

...to vanilla coke zero...

...to leaving the job you hate but staying in the same field youve grown to love...

...to pictures... in albums, on your computer, and in your heart...

...to homemade christmas presents that always mean the most...

...to furry friends, relatives, and children...

...to the sisters that take care of everything (including you... a sobbing mess on the floor) when one of the furry friends passes away...

...to hookie cookie...

...to getting up early to take her to school...

...to staying up late with her to watch every episode of buffy...

...to missing your girls...

...to fitting into old jeans you haven't been able to wear in years...

...to the gym, to the trainer, and to all the hot guys you get to watch on the treadmill...

...to a night of walking everywhere because your truck broke down... and really enjoying it...

...to adventure...

...to reflection...

...to sunsets...

...to the nice neighbor with the boxer that lives upstairs and always says hi...

...to old hockey sticks...

...to old teammates...

...to piercings and tattoos being as addictive as mountain dew...

...to mountain dew...

...to memories...

...to being needed...

...to being okay with needing...

...to progression, advancement, and achievement...

...to new beginnings as the you that you love...

...to taking risks...

...to being silly...

...to pink pearl hangers...

...to walk through closets...

...to nakedness...

...to forgiveness...

...to being the bigger person...

...to being thankful for all that you have seen... all that you have loved... all that you have worked for and been given...

And to deciding that those men aren't always so bad... maybe they can drink with us too....

...must be the puppy chow...

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*

First rate version of you... Not a second rate of someone else*

First rate version of you... Not a second rate of someone else*

Current mood:contemplative

In life, there is only one you. Only you can build you up... only you can destroy you. You is the only you the world will ever know. It is so important to not allow the actions of others to take that away.

Some will emulate you. Others will emulate them. Its a vicious cycle. But in a lot of ways, its like the boogy man under the bed scenario... shine the light, take away the teeth, and suddenly, the way you once viewed the situation has disintegrated. That includes taking the teeth away from yourself.

There will always be those that want to cut you down... those that constantly want to one up you... and those that stand on the sidelines and secretly fan the flames. They do what you do, go where you go, strive for goals that you have made for yourself all in an effort, it seems, to build themselves up and tear you down.

                                         " ....anything you can do I can do better....."

Recently I have been going through this exact situation. I would catch wind of things that would happen and become absolutely furious. Why me? Why does she have to go there or do that or talk to them? Why does she have to be injected into my life when I have tried so hard to get rid of her? I let someone else so easily take over without any contact in a moments notice. And then I got a wake up call.

People do what they do, be who and what they will be. But when that isn't who they are... people see right through it. Sometimes we ourselves don't think that people understand...that they just don't see. And in the beginning they may not. But after awhile of you doing things and then suddenly having it echo... it becomes apparent to all who are aware of it.

In my case, instead of letting that echo sound off and then fade into the distance, I would encourage it... going more and more insane from arguing with that echo inside my own life.

If you scream into a cave at the top of your lungs and continue to do so, eventually you're going to get a headache. The only way to get rid of that headache is to stop screaming.

Just let go. People can't take yourself away from you. The people that love you recognize that the anger, the hate, and the frustration that changes you. There's nothing that you can do about other people, you only have control over yourself. And when you allow yourself to be affected by factors that you can't control (no matter what situation it may apply to) there is always a significant risk of losing control over yourself... or should i say ALLOWING yourself to lose control. In my case... it just so happens that losing myself... losing what makes me unique has always been a fear of mine...

                                                                      ...what you fear you create.

If you fear losing a special person in your life, often you cling to them and in turn, drive them away. If you fear losing yourself, especially to someone else, you act inways that you don't usually act... in turn losing the person you are in a desperate attempt to gain control of the other person's actions... something of which you cannot control.

The only cure is to let go. To accept.

..must be the puppy chow...

(to my close friends that have helped me find myself again lately... those that love me and help me and stick by me... even when its hard... even through scenarios such as this one (where you have to hear a lot of bitching for a very long time before it goes away) ... to those who listen... put up... and shut (me) up... I love you) 

Originally published on my myspace blog on the given date*